Category Archives: writing

I Am Outta Here!

I have bored myself to tears in this blog, so you all must be cried out.

boring

So after 336 posts, racking up more than 3,000 followers (24 of whom are actual people),  and being Freshly Pressed deux fois; I’m leaving Misc. Maggie behind except for my reading list which I will update because I love lists and it was my New Year’s Resolution to track how many books I read in 2014 and people always need book reading ideas.

I have decided to start a new blog. A blog more boring than this one! A blog where I pledge to write every damn day for a year! A blog that will include the most idiotic minutiae of my life! What sort of weird face did I make in the elevator today? How often do I fart at my desk? Am I still eating and drinking too much? You bet I am and I’m going to tell you all about it!

My new blog is called “Dear Judy, Letters to Tanzania”. One of my besties is going to Tanzania for a year to make it a better place (my words, not hers…she is far too humble about this undertaking, in my opinion). The new blog will be my daily writings to Judy so that she has something from home everyday. I will also post a link to her blog on my home page so you can read about what she is doing in Dodomo, Tanzania.

Dodomo.

Duh Doh Moh

DUH doh MOH

So head on over to Dear Judy and follow me so you don’t miss anything. The first post will be tomorrow but you might want to go now to avoid the line.

And if I haven’t said it before, I’m saying it now. Thank you, all of you who have become my friends through fat and fatter. I had a wonderful time and learned so much. I will see you on the other  side blog.

xoxo

maggie

 

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Blog Stuff Because I Can’t Even Think of a Title

It’s me. The absent blogger.

I’ve been meaning to blog very important things but I’m too lazy. I think I’m lazy because I really can’t stand my job. It is so frustrating to be gone from home where I could be getting things done to be in an office doing nothing. Sure it’s fun for the first 6 months but almost 3 years in, not so much. I have applied for two jobs in the non-profit world and just signed a contract to do an event that will be held in February.

You know what I didn’t blog and should have? Oh, just a dinner date I had on a Friday night at Mother’s Bistro in Portland. A place I have written about before in one of my more traumatic posts.  

As many of you know I work on another blog called TipsyLit. A few weeks ago there was a post on Tipsy about Unexpected Reality. That post kept running through my head when I met my dinner dates for dinner at Mother’s.  Unexpected Reality. I think of that as something I just didn’t see coming. I was ready for one thing and got another. I thought it was milk but it was water.

I had dinner with Lisa of a Gripping Life and her daughter Lily of Lily in Canada!!! They are as wonderful as I knew they would be! Unexpected reality: they are tall. I just never pictured them as tall. I’m short and they are in the 6′ neighborhood. Please see below.

Well you can't really see in this one because I was "fixing" my hair. But you can see Lily, she's tall. And funny.

Well you can’t really see in this one because I was “fixing” my hair. But you can see Lily, she’s tall. And funny.

While lighting is bad, you can see the unexpected height of Lily and Lisa. I had on heels.

While lighting is bad, you can see the unexpected height of Lily and Lisa. I had on heels. And as you can tell by our eyes, we are all possessed which is why we got on so well.

We had a fantabulous time. I only wish they could have stayed for the weekend.  This was my first blogger meet fact to face and I loved these ladies!

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OK, so I mentioned I am part of another blog, TipsyLit. The TipsyLit crew would like to feature blogger/authors regularly. There are many blogs that post interviews with authors; we at Tipsy are looking for published authors (self published or with a publisher) who are bloggers in our community. I have started up a list featuring of course my pal LameAdventures, you can buy her book here.  I have started a list of potential interview subjects and would like your help. If you are published and would like to be featured on TipsyLit please let me know either in the comments or at:  tipsyliteditor@gmail.com.  Or if you have recommendations for authors of blogs you follow, I want to hear from you! You want to be on TipsyLit….we are hot stuff. Simon and Schuster tweeted a TipsyLit book review just this morning!!!

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And now for some hilarity that I found on Arden’s page:

pickupcarl

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I Like That You Liked My Comment….So Hilarious!!! :)

GREAT to hear from you. You always make me smile with your posts!!!

laughed so hard I have to stay at my desk, peed my pants a little

It must have been cold there in my shadow

Downtown Abbey is back!

that’s hilarious, OMG, right? great story
Hey, Aaron, your guys wear green jerseys. Try throwing the ball to one of them.

just happy that you and Bob weren’t both trapped in there! hahahahaha

No thanks, buddy, but I’m not even going to feed that to my dog for lunch!!! 😦

good ol’ Cyndi, always putting a smile on my day 🙂 LOL
LOL! OMG!!! Those green shoes! That’s hysterical!!!
Cookies!!!!
Yet another beautiful sunset, don’t hate me for my view!
The 70s were a wacky time…
fbgovt
Live and let live, that’s what I say.
Groundhog Day, wonder if Bill Murray saw his shadow? LOL
I found all that weight I lost. Sigh.
Remember Shakey’s pizza?! Good times.
I hear you bro, just hang in there
I know, we should totally go there!
Awwww… Daddy/Daughter Date Night!
Do over…
Oh noooo, it’s birthday cake day.
I swear my cat, Timple, just said, “meow”.
Seriously, it sounded like she “said” it.
Love, love, love, love Looney Tunes.
Who doesn’t love the Onion?
Hawaii here we come, can’t wait!!!!
My favorite flash mob, right?
If you weren’t this old, you’d be dead. That’s what my dad always said.
Awkward child hood photo much???

Awkward child hood photo much???

First snow (see picture) of the year. Makes me think of Christmas.

My front yard during the big storm of '08

I can’t believe that’s a word! You are killing me this game!
you look so good since you started your diet!
I feel like if I eat a grape I gain ten pounds
maybe if I looked a little more like Tom Brady I might of scored a touchdown. LOL
I swear my boss just stares at me all day. OMG, doesn’t he have anything better to do? Buy a life, weirdo!
Sara didn’t even have to talk her Dad into it, she just said,
YOLO and he cracked up and bought it. What a good dad.
I was like, yeah, Mudd, I’m sure the bed is comfy now but wait til I get in it. Crazy pooch
It’s crazy because it seems like it was just Easter and here it comes again. I can’t catch a break. An Easter break hahahaha
Happy 50th and hope you have a great party, that you remember 🙂 LOL
Best sandwich EVER!

Best sandwich EVER!

 I haven’t dressed up for Halloween since 1987!
Owww, just hit my elbow on my desk, NOT funny bone
hahaha I can’t believe how funny you are, you should do stand up
ermergerd! You got the job?!?! (Please Lord)
A Facebook Tribute by Derwood and Maggie
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Bloggomunications

I am surprised at how much I have learned from blogging. Obviously writing more and writing regularly has honed my technical skills. I am far more conscientious about word choice and sentence formation, hopefully grammar but I ain’t fer sure on that.

I have learned about  food and customs and people from around the world, religions, governments, joys, sorrows and illnesses. I have made friends. I have laughed and cried and ground my teeth in anger over injustices visited upon my friends.  Just as people do when making friends in “real life”, in the blogosphere you get used to people’s idiosyncrasies and styles of communication. When are they joking? When are they serious? Who is sensitive? Who has a tough hide?  My friend Brigitte wrote a Freshly Pressed piece on Blogging Etiquette, which is a good read for new bloggers as well as those that have been around a while.

I am a fairly blunt communicator. On WordPress I have learned to hold my tongue, don’t respond in anger (or at least don’t hit send in anger), don’t tease someone if you don’t know how they will take it, be sincere, be positive, be kind. I don’t think I’m particularly diplomatic and I call ’em like I see ’em. I think I’m fairly in tune to the blogs I follow regularly and I can tell when there is action going on between the lines.

I guess where I’m slowly going with this is that while we form friendships here on WordPress, we are still typing. We aren’t Skyping so we can see facial expressions. We aren’t on the phone so we can hear voice inflections. We are typing words on a screen. And as with email or texting, sometimes what you  type isn’t what you meant or you didn’t mean it like that! So what if you do hurt someone’s feelings by accident? What if someone calls you out for something you wrote to them in the Comments section that they didn’t care for?

Instead of getting defensive, dramatic, self-righteous, etc… pause for a minute and reread what you wrote. Ask yourself, “is there a chance that my comment didn’t come across the way I meant it to?” Just take a breath and think, “how would I react if someone wrote this to me?”

WordPress is such a gift. It is generally such a positive place and if people need to rant, they need to rant, it’s not about you, it’s about the writer and what they need to express. That doesn’t mean that our words don’t have consequences and sometimes people don’t want to read our rants and that is fair. My main point is, in the Comments section, if necessary think hard before you hit Reply.

You never know when you might deliver a back-handed compliment.

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What Can I Doooo???

I couldn’t think of anything to write yesterday.

In a few months, I will turn 48 which is two years away from 50. I went to a good university so I can do math just like that, in my head…Bam! 48 + 2 = 50.  Yeah, I did that.

I looked on-line for lists of things you or I should do before we turn 50 but they didn’t appeal to me.  I decided to look at lists of what people should do before they are 20 or 21. I would think that I would have better luck with those sorts of lists because I turned 20 and 21 successfully and successively….whoahahahoh! See what I did there?! Once again, Colgate University, thank you very much!

Here’s a list of things to do before you turn 20 which I found on the Huffingtonpost.com

  • Epic kiss – Check, but kissing me is Epic so that’s an easy one.
  • Road trip – I have a really disturbing funny road trip story from college which I will tell when my kids are out of college and cannot be influenced by my youthful behavior.
  • Try a food you can’t pronounce – I doubt I did that by 20 or 21 but I regularly eat Bippity Boppity Boop, which Koreans call Bim Bum Bap and I can’t pronounce that correctly. Just noticing…what is it with me and the Koreans?
  • Record a cover of your favorite song and post it on YouTube – There was no YouTube then. I work with a girl who when I told her my first job out of college was before there was internet, responded, “Oh you mean like AOL, like dial-up?” No, no interwebs at all of any kind. So I couldn’t record my favorite song and post it on YouTube. You’re welcome.
  • Go skinny dipping – Yep, I believe it was in a pond on the Babson College campus. Laurie, help me out here.
  • Participate in a flash mob – wha? No. No Interwebs. No Flash mobs.
  • Fall in love and get your heart broken – uh, yeah. I was an absolute pro at that. I was the Liz Taylor of falling in love but not getting married and not getting rich while doing it.
  • Sleep under the stars for one night – Check. But Elvis died that weekend so I never did it again.
  • Pull a fun all-nighter – Does DKE till Dawn count?
  • Go electronics free for 24 hours – 24 hours?! Pshaw! I went for years! Decades!!
  • Vote — I miss going to vote. Oregon is entirely vote by mail which isn’t as much fun. I’d like a hanging chad or two. And seriously, vote. We are free to vote. Don’t insult those in countries who aren’t allowed to vote by not taking part in this privilege.
  • Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger – I try but they start crying and run back to their parents.
  • Get a passport and take it somewhere — I need a new passport.
  • Learn to play a song on an instrument — I’ll just sing and Kitty will play back up on the recorder.
  • Get a job. Any job.  Be prepared!!! This is what the article wrote after this To Do before you are 21. I didn’t write this.   “Even if you can’t stand your summer job at the mall, the experience of having responsibility to an employer and making your own money is an essential part of the passage to adulthood. For better or for worse, your first job is something you’ll never forget — so don’t wait until you’re out of college to get one.”  Are you shitting me??? This is what is wrong with our society today. Even if you don’t like your summer job at the mall. If you don’t like it tough shit, work! Learn to work! Where are your parents?! Get a job! And I know this economy isn’t made for that but babysit, mow lawns, caddy, paint fences, I’ll give you something to do for $10/hour.
  • Write a love letter to yourself and open it 10 years later. — I don’t know about the love letter part but maybe just a letter. This is part of the need to give yourself self-esteem. Go earn your self-esteem. Get a job and get off my lawn!
  • Learn to have a basic conversation in a foreign language –or at least how to order beer.
  • Dance in the rain.  – uh, ok.
  • Go to movie or dinner by yourself. — I love going to the movies alone. That dining part is just crazy talk and I won’t have it. Please read here and here for more information on my one-woman crusade against dining alone.
  • Learn to cook your favorite meal — This is solid advice.

The following list came up from a Google search and it was written years ago by a 13-year-old girl, I can’t find her name or a website or anything but I love it.

  • Go sky-diving off of an airplane with my best friend
  • Become a star in at least one Broadway musical or play (I love musicals…ahh…)
  • Go on a safari in the African plains
  • Fall in (true) love at least once
  • Be in a garage band…heheh
  • Have one of my horror novels published
  • Try calamari and sushi
  • See the sun set in California
  • Visit Tokyo, in Japan (How cute is that? As opposed to Tokyo, Oklahoma!)
  • Sleep under the stars on a beach
  • Go white water rafting
  • and…this one is complete; accept myself for who I am. I’ve finally done that, since my ED recovery, and I’m very happy about it. During my ED I was not intersted in anything but food, but now I’m interested in writing potery and my novels, movies, film-making, and most importantly – enjoying life and living to the fullest. I want to make the most of my life, and I think now I’ll finally be able to start.

I hope she still accepts herself for who she is and has checked a few of these off her to do list.

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Civil Discourse

Thank you all for reading my blog yesterday and giving me the biggest day of views I have had since I started this project in January.

Here’s a little something about me (because who could ever get tired of knowing more about me), I was raised in a family where we were trained debaters, discussion was an art that we had to study. “Your day was good? why?” We were taught discourse, back up your arguments, give examples, mean what you say, etc. It wasn’t always easy or enjoyable but all four of us were schooled in debate and rhetoric.

Most of my closest friends are democrats. Not just democrats, liberals, progressive liberals, socialists and I will always respect their points of view and know that while they may deeply disagree with me, they respect mine, too. I love the debate. I love the conversation. You will not find me name calling. I truly believe that the internet has the potential to be a global public square for us all to discuss and debate and agree and agree to disagree on the issues of the day.

As many of you have, I have found great friendship and support and laughter here on WordPress. I have been exposed to different lives and cultures and joys and pains and I relish all of it.

I have become friends with people I wouldn’t meet in my life in this corner of Oregon and I am grateful for that everyday. Ask Le Clown. What a gifted and bizarre socialist, sock monkey breast feeding Canuck he is. I adore him. Le Clown and I couldn’t disagree more on matters of public policy but we make each other laugh and appreciate one anothers dedication to our loves, our children, our hopes to make this world a better place.

Trust me, my post yesterday was not anything more than reasons why I will not vote for the re-election of this president. I do not sit in judgement of those who think differently than I do. Tell me more! I will listen to you and I hope you will listen to me.
Love to all of you.

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Back to My Roots

I reposted my original Weigh In Wednesday post this morning. Back in January I started my diet, knowing I needed to lose 20-30 pounds. I lost 11. I weighed myself this morning and I’ve gained back 7 so if I divide the number of pounds by the number of months dieting and factor in daily calories with burning time when will I get to Seattle?

That story problem brings me back to the diet bandwagon. I haven’t done Sparkpeople in months. It is a really good program for losing weight mainly because it has a calorie/protein/fat/carb/geiger/sugar counter and that is what seems to work for me. Not that I intend to go back on Sparkpeople but when I do it works and then I’d lose weight and you all would be jealous of me and stop reading my blog because “screw her for being all hot and thin, maybe her Sparkfriends will read her but I’m going to go eat some cheese.”

I’ll shoot for 10 lbs first and see if I can at least get that done without making everyone envious of my white hot sexiness. I justify my weight by noting that I have a large chest which I believe weighs 12 pounds so I’m not fat just bodacious.

Blogging

One of the reasons Sparkpeople stopped engaging me was that I like WordPress better. I began blogging on Sparkpeople but Sparkpeople are internet people concerned with diet, health and weight loss.

WordPresspeople are internet people interested in words and writing and thinking; being hilarious and tortured; in storytelling, in food and pictures of food, traveling to get to food, putting alcohol with food, giving their children food, giving their animals food, and food.

Here on WordPress, I am part of a community. I should mention that I recently made it on to Eric’s blogroll on Clown on Fire. And he made me this badge which I need to put on my award page.

I’m learning about blogging but clearly not learning enough because I can’t for the life of me figure out why people read what they do. I posted something that I really liked yesterday but it wasn’t a hit. Then I think well maybe it’s the categories. When I limit the categories I limit the readers maybe?

Then I look at search terms people use and wind up finding my blog and those are fascinating troublesome.

Here’s the first one to come up today:

women naked together locker

That makes sense although I kind of shake my head at whoever was searching for that. I’m sure yesterday’s blog disappointed them.

The most popular search term for finding my blog: fat nudes

Other perfectly reasonable search terms:

  • lemon pushups and running
  • read or dream of fat maggie
  • Justin Bieber boners 2012
  • Does Rob Kardashian Like big boobs
  • Fat sister fart 

I think you get the idea and now understand why I am more comfortable here. WordPress is highbrow. WordPress is for writers, and for the writer who farts.

Whatever gets people here, I don’t care. All of you make me happy. I recently was notified that I have more than 200 blogger followers, 207 to be exact. I have almost 20,000 hits. I still don’t know how to put video in my blog or put links in comments and….

I still need to lose 20 lbs.

I might change the name of my blog to “Fat Sister Fart”.

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I Guess This is Eventually

I am back. Not writing creatively but I am back.

As I wrote last month, my kids had a near miss in the ocean. Brigid, who is 13 and not a big talker, just went through five days of what the doctors we saw on Tuesday called post-traumatic stress. There is nothing worse than watching your child in pain and not being able to stop it. Brigid cried for days, she panicked, she wouldn’t leave the house, couldn’t be away from me, didn’t want to get out of my bed, couldn’t eat, she couldn’t read, she couldn’t make any decisions. It was so awful and heartbreaking. And then last night about 8:30, it lifted and she was back. She looked through a magazine, no upset going to sleep. I don’t know if it is really gone but she is at school today, after missing the first day of 8th grade. I haven’t heard from her or anyone at the school so fingers crossed.

I have never witnessed PTSD. My love and support goes out to any and all including all the bloggers I follow and those who I haven’t found yet who suffer from this. Brigid had one traumatic incident and it beat her up pretty bad. I cannot imagine dealing with sustained mental, physical, emotional trauma and what that does to the mind in the long run.

Tuesday, I had to give her a little hard love as my siblings and I call it. She was crying and she said, “why me?” Whooooaaaaa pardner! Nope. Why you?! Why not you? Why anyone? And here’s news, there are children suffering much worse than you are. So we will have no “why me?” Ever. Worse things, better people. I am a good mother and I know I helped her so much and she was darling and appreciative but I am a hard nose about certain things and “why me?” is one of the most useless, self-indulgent questions anyone can ask. “Why Me?” stunts progress, it allows for wallowing when strength and perseverance are needed. There will always be someone who has it worse.

Monday night, Brigid was in my bed with me and I was trying to soothe her to get some sleep and she said, “Mom, I wish you had a mom because you are so nice to me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Without question one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.

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Only One Left

Here are my captions so far:

  1. “You had me at dijonnaise”
  2. “Kids! Sing the Sandwich Song!”
  3. ” I love back bacon eh!”
  4. “Truly, I could mount this sandwich.”
  5. “oh yeah, I’m gonna need a butt plug.”
  6. “Yo WordPress, Freshly Press this…in your ass.”
  7. “This tastes like Chris DeVoss.
  8. “This _____ is making me ______ and ______ in my ______.”
  9. “I dig this sandwich like chicks dig my manicure.”

Now I just need one more!!! Just one!!

Caption this!

 

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Help! I Need Somebody!

I am competing for a spot on Le Clown’s Magnificent Blog Roll and I need your help, this is arduous work.

Today’s contest is coming up with captions for the photo shown below. I am no good at captioning things so HELP!

Le Clown is Magnificent, he is artistic and smart and rude. He has a sock monkey that he breast feeds in public. He lives in Montreal and they do things like that there. There is nothing that anyone can say to offend him so let loose! I’m counting on you. Please leave your captions in the comments section and your shoes at the door. I’m just joking, I run a “shoe on” household.

What is Le Clown thinking? or doing, for that matter.

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