Hey Cats! What the Hell?

Seriously cats, what is YOUR problem?! What has the rest of the world ever freaking done to you?!

This is my cat Lula, when she was a darling little kitten.

lula2

This was taken before I realized that although she’s going to act nice, cute, cuddly, and adorable; in reality she’s a murderous thug. Deep down she’s none of those good things.

murder

Caption stolen from the Onion but that’s Lula. Still just a kitten but we should have known she was trouble and had her locked up.

 

Why do cats sleep all day? Not like a nap but ALL DAMN DAY. I used to put Lula outside and come to find, she was just sleeping out there. Now that we have moved to #2, she sleeps on my bed. That’s it. Unless I throw out some catnip, which shows the problem is bigger than we realized and I’m an enabler.

lula bed

Lula’s activity during daylight hours..

Before we moved to #2, Lula would sleep all over the place, like she was dead.

lula

She is not dead. She will let you get close, you tentatively reach out to pet her and then striking like lightening, she will claw a chunk of flesh out of your arm, face, shin, and then back to sleep for her. Asshole.

So you dick felines, why do you insist on sleeping all day and then at normal human bed time acting all casual like “yeah, I’m glad you came to bed! Let’s snuggle and sleep peacefully together tonight.” You’re a bunch of fucking liars, you cats. Oh sure we can snuggle and snooze and then whatya think 3:30, 4:00 in the morning? You gonna bust a move? I have an idea Sylvester, why don’t you sit at the open bedroom door and cry? Maybe pace around the room meowing? That would be great.

I’m going to shut the door but please keep it up. Let me thrash around for about 40 minutes, then I’m going to trip my way downstairs out of concern for your well-being to make sure you have food and water. And…. you do, asshole! So shut up.

Lula, could you come in here and paw at the pull on my nightstand until you get it spinning really fast? When I swat at you and jump out of bed to throw you out of the room, slide under the bed to stare at me and mew at inconsistent intervals. Yep, that’s perfect and now it’s 5:30 a.m.

Ahh, finally quiet. I’m going back to sleep. I’m so cozy and comfortable, I love my bed.

God, I am just an idiot.

lula close up

Oh Lula, you’re back? Lying on my chest breathing salmon breath in my face.

That. Is. Awesome.

Ohhh, you sweet kitty! You have your paw on my throat kneading my jugular. I know if I slowly reach up to move your soft little gray kitty paw, you will unsheathe your claws and dig them firmly into my throat.

I’ll just lie here. Immobile.

It’s fine.

The dog has been crying next to the bed because he’s scared of her. too. He found his opportunity when she moved her focus to my throat.  It’s nice now, everyone is on the bed and close to my face. It’s 7:00 and I have been awake and antagonized for hours so fuck it, I’ll just get up. Thanks. Thanks a lot goddam cat.

charley bed

Look at sweet Charley’s cute Colgate collar.

 

I felt bad when we first got Charley because Lula hid in the basement. Then we moved and she hid in my closet. But no more. I don’t feel bad for her at all.

 

lula watching (2)

“Hey Maggie, time for bed.”

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Hey Cats! What the Hell?

  1. 3:30 AM…one cat yowling outside of closed bedroom door…NEVER stops even if squirted with water EVERY SINGLE NIGHT….if door open…walks all over bed, fights with the sleeping cats, walks on headboard messing with blinds, love bites nose…god, I FEEL your pain…

  2. Cats are the minions of the underworld. I used to have six😂I’m planning on getting another one as I find them hysterical

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