Play this if you want a lovely accompaniment to my post and to remember just how awesome the 80s were.
Some readers who have been around here from the beginning may recall that I had to stop going to the doctor in 2011 because she kept telling me that I was fat and had high blood pressure. I have always had low blood pressure but I got so tense going to this doctor (a Chinese woman at least 10 years my junior and the size of my arm) that I started having high blood pressure (130/80). There was also Hector to deal with. Hector is her assistant. Hector calls me Margaret. I went there for a good 12-15 years, someone there should have known that I don’t go by Margaret, God knows I told them often enough. I would sit in the waiting room listening to Hector calling for “Margaret”, thinking “shit, Margaret better move her ass in there because I am waiting!” Hector has the personality of the keyboard I’m typing on but not as bubbly. And he is unrelenting in his monotone judgements of me and my stocky self.
A month ago, I decided I had to go to the doctor just because you should get checked out occasionally especially when you are staring down the barrel of 50. And I am. Also Hector had called and left Margaret a message that she had to come in or they wouldn’t refill her Prozac and when Margaret doesn’t have her Prozac she constantly feels like she left the iron on, which while not debilitating is a tad uncomfortable.
I found a NEW doctor and signed the forms to have my records transferred to the new office. Last week Hector called, I’m sure to see why I was leaving that practice and I hit 33 skipped that message and deleted his ass.
I went to see the new doctor yesterday.
I was nervous but I had steeled myself to just say, “yeah, I’m fat but I’m happy and I don’t eat junk food. And if I need blood pressure medication, so be it!” I’m almost 50 (well 49) hear me roar!
The doctor has a very nice assistant who is 39 and looks like Rashida Jones and we chatted after she weighed me (not good but no surprises) and measured me (almost 5’3″) and guess what?! My blood pressure is 110/80 because goddam Hector wasn’t anywhere near me.
The doctor is very nice. Checked me out, everything sounds good. Then we get to the pesky questions….
Do you smoke?
Yes, when I’m drinking.
You shouldn’t smoke.
I know that.
Smoking raises your blood pressure.
How much do your drink? Uhhhhh….
Here is where I try to come up with a reasonable lie because if I told the truth, this sweet young woman would faint.
I don’t know.
What do you drink?
How much wine do you drink in a week?
I drink 8 glasses of wine a week.
Oh! that’s too much!
What?! Really?! (yes I really said that because I thought this was a good compromise answer).
You know alcohol raises your blood pressure.
(In my head) Well you know what doc, no it doesn’t because we just took my blood pressure didn’t we and it is 110/80.
I think she was confused and thought I said 8 glasses a day, which would be a lot and I’d only do that on a weekend, pretty much. She can’t handle the truth.
AND this lovely woman gave me a referral to a plastic surgeon for a breast reduction!!! That will be a fun journey for us to go on together. I hope your are as excited as I am!
Have a lovely weekend, full of wine and low blood pressure. I should write greeting cards.
And here is something interesting….since my last post a couple of days ago, I have lost 139 followers. What?! Not that it matters since I think many of them aren’t even real. Do you think WP cleans out the junk followers?