I have been seething about this topic all summer. I have bitched about it to my children. I talk aloud to myself about it while driving.
Hey Walkers! Yeah, you! You dumbass with the ear things in and your ponytail swinging, holding your cute lime green water bottle. YOU!
You need to
Walk
Against
Traffic
Do you understand what that means? If you don’t, I’m amazed that you have the brain function to walk let alone put your hair in a ponytail. For those who don’t understand this concept, I have drawn a chart to provide a visual of what the issue is.
As you can plainly see in Scientific Figure 1, the pink and green arrows indicate the directions in which car traffic is traveling. I have also drawn a car on the green arrow which is driving on the road. You will also see a small person walking toward the car with a small arrow indicating which way the walker is walking. To the side of the pink arrow you will see where I screwed up trying to draw a person.
The key is, walker, you must walk toward the car so that you can see what is coming at you. Because WALKER, if you have your back to, um let’s say, my Volvo XC70 which weighs approximately 4,147 pounds and let’s say you don’t have any reflective gear on and you have your God. Damned. Ipod ear things in, you will never know how nice my car looks before I flatten you into the road because I couldn’t see you and you had no idea that cars use the same roads you do.
As shown in Scientific Figure 2, I have driven over a stupid walker in the road in my Volvo wagon. I will pull over because I’m not going to be cited for hit and run but there is already irreversible brain damage to the walker who insisted on walking in the road with her back to traffic. You can see her ponytail and green water bottle as she lies in a pool of blood. That’s Mudd in the back of the car.
You know what else Walker? If you are going to do something stupid, don’t take your dog with you. The dog can’t help that you are an idiot but the dog could get hurt, too. And I love dogs.
And just in case it sounds like I’m only targeting women with this post. Hey you stupid dude, walking your dog in the road with your back to me this morning, this means you, too!!!
Did You Misc. Maggie? 
You crack me up. Love these scientific drawings, Mags. Some people are just oblivious and they seriously aren’t thinking about you. They are in their own little world and you are just not in it. It’s up to YOU to go around them or didn’t you know that?
Funny, M and I think I’ve said this before, remind me to NEVER piss you off. :D. Funny lady.
You could never piss me off! You’re too nice and I am positive you walk against traffic, right?!
I’m tired of going around stupid women mostly with their dog and some Starbucks and the ear things walking with their back to my car in the ROAD!!!
ARGGGHHHHH!!!
No, I’m fine.
Cyclists yank my chain. Sure, you’re healthier than I am, riding your bike that cost more than my car, with your spandex outfit and cool sunglasses and clip shoes (I do laugh when they occasionally forget to un-clip and fall over when they stop. Small pleasures) and your helmet and the snazzy water bottle and stuff. I know that. You petitioned for bike lanes, so, honor the rules of the road. Stop for lights and Stop signs. Signal for a turn. Don’t cut me off, because like the jogger and the Volvo, should we collide, I’m gonna win. Capisce?
Great art work. I’m particularly fond of Sketch #2.
Ad, I didn’t even get started on cyclists. I live in Portland….you have no idea….
I can’t understand the ones who are all protected, and have their kids perched on the back of the bike sans a helmet. I guess they are replaceable.
Last week I saw a guy on a 4 lane freeway with his toddler in the little cart being pulled behind his bike. Oh my ()^*%&%(*%&*), are you kidding me?!
Actually, it they aren’t wearing headphones and facing traffic, the point values for hitting them goes up! (More of a challenge.)
Ahhh hah!!! Well this is good news!
I am not a runner but I always worry seeing them beside the road with their ear plugs on. How in the world will they know if something is about to hot them from the back or what if there is a sudden chaos in their surrounding and they are oblivious to the danger. This is a funny but very educational post. Love the drawings! 🙂
Thank you! In Portland, I see this more from walkers than runners but the rules still apply.
I worked really hard on the drawings so I’m glad you liked them.
Hipster bikers without helmets should be included in the “take off the damn headphones” category as well
Bikers could have their own post.
I can’t stand when I see someone walking with their DOG on the wrong side of the road!!
Yeah, at least keep the dog safe….sheesh!!!
Amen to all of that….and don’t even get me started on the idiot bicyclists out there. You want to ride in the middle of the busy street? Pay a wheel tax, ass…or get over where you belong. (Yike, I guess I wrote that out loud.)
Seriously, I could do at least 500 words on cyclists.
You have a real feeling for the scientific drawing. No 2 was so graphic I almost fainted. I know there’s a points system for how they end up if you hit them, with the highest possible award being for them sitting on the bonnet ( sorry, Hood) the right way up, facing the direction the car is going and carrying their dog safely. That one’s almost impossible to achieve.
My worry is though, what happens if they cause a dent where they hit you? Can you sue them?
xxx Huge Hugs xxx
I don’t know the points system and it may be different on the other side of the pond. I’m sorry the second figure was so alarming. My artistic training sometimes results in very graphic images.
xoxo
Absolutely Postively!
Thank you!
I walk, dogless, with my earphones in and my head up, facing traffic. I don’t know why people would trust their lives to strangers, like Ms. Green Bottle.
PS, No pony tail either.
Thank you! You could have a pony tail just FACE traffic!!! I promise to never run you over. Just sayin’.
The accuracy of the diagrams is what really strikes me about this post. I love this post a lot. And I am glad you drew Mudd in. How was Derwood’s birthday on Sunday? x
Right?! I computer draw with great precision.
I guess I will write about Derwood’s birthday for tomorrow. You’ll see why I’m not so excited about that tomorrow.
So Maggie, when are you gonna write a post about cyclists riding AGAINST traffic or, even better, on the damned sidewalks?
Honestly, I think I would start a war if I wrote about cyclists. A veritable blog commenting WAR.
You and I will share a prison cell for sure lady. I have serious road rage issues especially with bikers.
You missed your true calling with your scientific drawings my dear.
Well we will have lots of good books to read in the slammer.
I think I’m going to add more science to my blog, that is probably what has been missing.
The problem with the whole talking aloud to yourself habit is the kids eventually grow up, drive their own cars and then you really are just talking to yourself in an otherwise empty car if anyone is unplugged long enough on the side walk to notice……and people WILL notice!
I think people already notice because I talk to myself whether or not I am in the car!
I insist that you write the biker blog! You have to do the biker blog! Absolutely complete with the amazing illustrations. You cannot deny your public!
I guess none of them walkers get to page 15 of portland’s walker guide
http://www.portlandoregon.gov/transportation/article/389146 b
I was hoping you’d include something like Scientific Drawing #2! xoxoM
What a strange thing to be so bitter about. I have a fabulous ass, so I like to walk with traffic. I also have three small kids, so if a Volvo wagon runs me over and kills me dead, then my suffering is no more.