I have been seething about this topic all summer. I have bitched about it to my children. I talk aloud to myself about it while driving.
Hey Walkers! Yeah, you! You dumbass with the ear things in and your ponytail swinging, holding your cute lime green water bottle. YOU!
You need to
Do you understand what that means? If you don’t, I’m amazed that you have the brain function to walk let alone put your hair in a ponytail. For those who don’t understand this concept, I have drawn a chart to provide a visual of what the issue is.
As you can plainly see in Scientific Figure 1, the pink and green arrows indicate the directions in which car traffic is traveling. I have also drawn a car on the green arrow which is driving on the road. You will also see a small person walking toward the car with a small arrow indicating which way the walker is walking. To the side of the pink arrow you will see where I screwed up trying to draw a person.
The key is, walker, you must walk toward the car so that you can see what is coming at you. Because WALKER, if you have your back to, um let’s say, my Volvo XC70 which weighs approximately 4,147 pounds and let’s say you don’t have any reflective gear on and you have your God. Damned. Ipod ear things in, you will never know how nice my car looks before I flatten you into the road because I couldn’t see you and you had no idea that cars use the same roads you do.
As shown in Scientific Figure 2, I have driven over a stupid walker in the road in my Volvo wagon. I will pull over because I’m not going to be cited for hit and run but there is already irreversible brain damage to the walker who insisted on walking in the road with her back to traffic. You can see her ponytail and green water bottle as she lies in a pool of blood. That’s Mudd in the back of the car.
You know what else Walker? If you are going to do something stupid, don’t take your dog with you. The dog can’t help that you are an idiot but the dog could get hurt, too. And I love dogs.
And just in case it sounds like I’m only targeting women with this post. Hey you stupid dude, walking your dog in the road with your back to me this morning, this means you, too!!!