That wasn’t so bad was it?
I’m tired of Someone Fat Happened. I’m not fat. I need to lose 10 lbs but it’s not much to write you about. And it’s not like I try very hard. I rarely write about dieting or exercise because I rarely do either of those things. Although this past Saturday, I played 27 holes of golf because I deeply love golf.
So this is what I am now: Misc. Maggie. And I can write about my job (or still lack thereof), my consulting because I’m a consultant and a Greater Giving EXPERT, my hot flashes, my new hoseband, my old hoseband, golf, my kids, my dog, my cats, people who annoy me, people who give me joy, stupid things I do, it’s all here at Misc. Maggie.
For example, I could write about how I went to the bank yesterday to deposit $160 in cash. I went into the KEY BANK branch, because if I deposit at the ATM they hold any amount over $100 till the next day and as a matter of principle that annoys me. It’s cash money, American currency but the ATM doesn’t know that so if I deposit it with a human, then I can have my money available to me to do with as I please. And that should be the American way but America has gotten pretty stupid.
I go into the branch and there are two tellers working even though there are four teller windows. There is another guy at a desk talking to a customer. There is an older man at one of the teller windows. He is over 6 foot, has an American flag/eagle sort of baseball hat on and he is talking loudly into his blue tooth while the teller is doing whatever he needs done. Hey guy in the windbreaker and tennis shoes, “Shut up!” Unless you are calling for air strikes on Syria or talking a surgeon through saving another human being (and it better be a worthy human being), get off your stupid phone. It’s rude that’s what it is.
The other teller is helping a 30-something guy with a lot of cash and one of those money pouches so I’m thinking small business deposit time. Good on you, young man.
Phone won’t stop ringing nor will anyone answer it.
Deposit for young guy is done and teller says, “I will be with you in a moment.” Nope. No, she won’t be right with me because the teller and the young man have now headed to the safe deposit boxes. He’s a drug dealer and he’s stashing his cash. Still small business but not as laudable.
Phone is ringing.
Guy at his desk is not talking to a customer any longer. Nor is he answering the damn phone.
I turn and say to myself (and I speak loudly no matter who I’m talking to), “I’m not doing this.” And leave giving the entering customer a pitying look.
I drive around to the damn ATM. I have to pull up close because I’m too small to conveniently reach the ATM buttons but still have to unbuckle my seat belt and open the door to work the stupid machine.
Do you need an envelope? Yes
Envelope rolls out of the little slot and I go to grab it and for the first time ever in my drive up ATM career, it falls on the ground. I reach down to get it because I can see it but I’m so close to the ATM wall and my door won’t open any further that I just hit my head on the door and wind up locking all the doors. I try to get sideways in my seat and slide the envelope closer but can’t get it. I try to slide the other way and slide it with my foot but my leg doesn’t bend that way. I swear some, realize there is a camera in the ATM recording all of this. Reach down but still can’t get it. I decide I will get out of the car, close the door, pick up the envelope and complete the transaction.
I go to get out of the car but the door won’t open enough to let me out so I try to do the sideways slide out with my knees bent because if I’m shorter that will help. I get halfway out of the car and realize I’m stuck and can’t turn around to get the envelope, nor can I step back into the car. My feet are now twisted around each other and I have to fall backwards back into the car and unwedge my legs and bring them back into the car one at a time. I say the F word and feel like flipping off the video camera filming my display of idiocy. I reach down scraping my fingernails across the pavement, get the edge of the envelope, gingerly pull it toward me and the ATM starts beeping “Do you need more time?? Maggie, do you need more time to unwedge yourself from between the building and your car door? Maggie do you know how to use an ATM machine? MAGGIE, Do YOU need MORE time to complete this completely mundane task? DO YOU????”
I put the goddam cash in the envelope shoved it back into the ATM and got the hell out of there.
And that is Misc. Maggie.