See What I Did There?

That wasn’t so bad was it?

I’m tired of Someone Fat Happened. I’m not fat. I need to lose 10 lbs but it’s not much to write you about. And it’s not like I try very hard. I rarely write about dieting or exercise because I rarely do either of those things. Although this past Saturday, I played 27 holes of golf because I deeply love golf.

So this is what I am now: Misc. Maggie. And I can write about my job (or still lack thereof), my consulting because I’m a consultant and a Greater Giving EXPERT, my hot flashes, my new hoseband, my old hoseband, golf, my kids, my dog, my cats, people who annoy me, people who give me joy, stupid things I do, it’s all here at Misc. Maggie.

For example, I could write about how I went to the bank yesterday to deposit $160 in cash. I went into the KEY BANK branch, because if I deposit at the ATM they hold any amount over $100 till the next day and as a matter of principle that annoys me. It’s cash money, American currency but the ATM doesn’t know that so if I deposit it with a human, then I can have my money available to me to do with as I please. And that should be the American way but America has gotten pretty stupid.

I go into the branch and there are two tellers working even though there are four teller windows. There is another guy at a desk talking to a customer. There is an older man at one of the teller windows. He is over 6 foot, has an American flag/eagle sort of baseball hat on and he is talking loudly into his blue tooth while the teller is doing whatever he needs done. Hey guy in the windbreaker and tennis shoes, “Shut up!” Unless you are calling for air strikes on Syria or talking a surgeon through saving another human being (and it better be a worthy human being), get off your stupid phone. It’s rude that’s what it is.

The other teller is helping a 30-something guy with a lot of cash and one of those money pouches so I’m thinking small business deposit time. Good on you, young man.

Phone won’t stop ringing nor will anyone answer it.

Deposit for young guy is done and teller says, “I will be with you in a moment.” Nope. No, she won’t be right with me because the teller and the young man have now headed to the safe deposit boxes. He’s a drug dealer and he’s stashing his cash. Still small business but not as laudable.

Phone is ringing.

Guy at his desk is not talking to a customer any longer. Nor is he answering the damn phone.

I turn and say to myself (and I speak loudly no matter who I’m talking to), “I’m not doing this.” And leave giving the entering customer a pitying look.

I drive around to the damn ATM. I have to pull up close because I’m too small to conveniently reach the ATM buttons but still have to unbuckle my seat belt and open the door to work the stupid machine.

Insert card.

Language? English.

PIN? ****

Transaction? Deposit

Amount? $160.00

Account? Checking

Do you need an envelope? Yes

Envelope rolls out of the little slot and I go to grab it and for the first time ever in my drive up ATM career, it falls on the ground.  I reach down to get it because I can see it but I’m so close to the ATM wall and my door won’t open any further that I just hit my head on the door and wind up locking all the doors. I try to get sideways in my seat and slide the envelope closer but can’t get it. I try to slide the other way and slide it with my foot but my leg doesn’t bend that way. I swear some, realize there is a camera in the ATM recording all of this. Reach down but still can’t get it. I decide I will get out of the car, close the door, pick up the envelope and complete the transaction.

I go to get out of the car but the door won’t open enough to let me out so I try to do the sideways slide out with my knees bent because if I’m shorter that will help. I get halfway out of the car and realize I’m stuck and can’t turn around to get the envelope, nor can I step back into the car. My feet are now twisted around each other and I have to fall backwards back into the car and unwedge my legs and bring them back into the car one at a time. I say the F word and feel like flipping off the video camera filming my display of idiocy. I reach down scraping my fingernails across the pavement, get the edge of the envelope, gingerly pull it toward me and the ATM starts beeping “Do you need more time?? Maggie, do you need more time to unwedge yourself from between the building and your car door? Maggie do you know how to use an ATM machine? MAGGIE, Do YOU need MORE time to complete this completely mundane task? DO YOU????”

I put the goddam cash in the envelope shoved it back into the ATM and got the hell out of there.

This is not what I looked like using the Drive Up ATM machine. Photo courtesy: Shutterstock.
This is not what I looked like using the Drive Up ATM machine. Photo courtesy: Shutterstock.

And that is Misc. Maggie.


56 replies to “See What I Did There?

  1. Your post made me laugh……ohhhhh i’ve been in your position, well not wedged in between the atm and the car door, but frustrated with the whole ordeal!! hahahha

      1. Well, it made me laugh because i could totally see it happening to me. I was just waiting for you to say that you had a line of people waiting in their cars watching it all unfold!!

  2. You just made my depressing lunch at my desk so much more entertaining misc. Maggie. Thank you so very much– grin

  3. I dropped my envelope once. I’m sure they were thrilled when they opened it and found tire tracks as I had to first drive over the envelope so I could pick it up. And the dang beeping. Same thing, really. Hilarious to read when it isn’t you….Ha!

  4. Hahaha! I love me some Misc. Maggie! The funny thing is that after I saw your wedding picture in that red dress and noticed you didn’t look like the Kool Aid guy at all, I was going to ask you what the something fat happened was all about. Good for you!

  5. I love it when you walk in and you see the tellers and you KNOW they can see you but they just keep working on some task and act like you’re not standing there in front of them. Do they think they’re somehow invisible? HEY, Harry Potter, customer here! If you can’t get to me right away, say so, but acknowledge my existence, mmkay? And jerks with the cell phones – you are the reason they have to post these signs saying stop talking for one gosh darn minute so we can get you your money you moron. Sooo identify with this.

  6. I love Misc. Maggie! What a clever little play on words. If only you could get paid for your clever ways. This is so, I Love Lucy, isn’t it? I could see Lucy doing this with baby Ricky in the back in a car seat. Right? You’re a funny girl !! Xoxoxo

    1. I think I have become a bit confused with your blog. Obviously I can’t let it go more than one day without losing track of what the hell is going on with you.

      I heart you either way
      Maggie (La Dude)

          1. Maggie,
            We all do. Every day. With every post… And keep on eye on our stats. And adjust. And have fun. I think you’re on the right track. And more than anything, I fucking love reading you. Like your many loyal readers.
            Le Clown

  7. Great post! I laughed out loud. Love the new title of your blog. Perfect! I still have 14 lbs to lose myself and I, too, feel a little silly blogging about it. There is just so much more to life, right?

  8. I’ve been in that exact position you describe! I’m pretty sure the tellers have a collection of video’s they show at the new trainee orientation class. Thanks for the giggle!

  9. I am sure that the normally slack-jawed semi-conscience poorly paid slug that monitors that video had a wicked good laugh at your expense. You entertained more than your usual following with that deposit that could have doubled as a tryout for Cirque du Soleil. I agree with the herd. Your site’s new name is a winner, Maggie.

  10. Great as always. And yes I like the name, but I think you deserve something more grandoise. Maybe Majesty Maggie? Or Mother of the Universe Maggie? Thoughts?

  11. Here in Stoneyville USA there are unlimited amounts of envelopes readily available to one and all in a little compartment. FREE to take as many as you like. My car driver side window doesn’t roll down, so I always have to get out of the car. And drive thrus are fun, as is getting pulled over by a cop…I mean…I can IMAGINE that would be awkward. Wonderful name change, and am looking forward to many more misc. things. I hope you were wearing pants. And I will look for this event to go viral on Youtube.

  12. Okay so I feel like a small town hillbilly because we don’t have drive-up (drive-thru?) ATMs here… all of ours we have to get out of the car and walk up to the entrance of the bank. So, no mishaps here, just a lot of paranoia that someone will mug me as I’m doing my thing.

    P.S. I like your new title!

  13. I like the new name and the new vibe! I try to avoid going into banks when I can because of experiences like the one you had. There are too many punchable people at banks. And at supermarkets. And at drug stores. And movie theaters. And restaurants. And bars. And…and…and…

  14. I’m loving that we have both shed ourselves of fat references! And I do not love drive-up bank situations. I used to work at a bank in college, occasionally working the drive-up window (where I had a direct view of the ATM) and GURL, I could tell you some stories that are a lot like yours, but were probably never as hilariously blogged about. Drive-up ATMs bring out the worst in all of us.


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