No, not my wedding day but today is four days before the Big Day.
Today is the day that Deren and I picked up our marriage license. I will save my heated commentary on our having to pay Multnomah County $60 for permission to get married for another time.
I have been crazy busy since last Friday. My little wedding notebook now has a page for lists of things that need to be done every day, each day has its own page. I’m manic. Deren is working all the time and we really haven’t seen much of each other as he was out of town last week for biz.
My daughter Annie is going nuts over her prom date which is the same night as the wedding so now the prom date is coming to the wedding, which is fine and then they will be heading out. Last night I’m coloring her hair and she can go from happy to sad to teary to laughing to grim in about 90 seconds. The teens in my life are causing me more stress than the wedding.
Deren came home from work and wanted to talk about my day which I thought I had already reported on earlier on the phone. We definitely are having a disconnect right now which I’m not at all worried about there are just to many other things to focus on; and we are back in synch this morning.
Last night I told him that I was going shopping on Thursday with a friend to buy Scuba Suit Spanx Support garments and he said….”do you think they have one for me?”
He then swallowed his tongue as my eyes narrowed and I said, “I don’t know. Do you mean do they make them for really thin people?! Gee, I don’t KNOW.”
Later as we were getting ready for bed, I told him I had been to the pharmacy to pick up Retin-A for Brigid and prednisone for me to reduce my red splotches that are like beacons to me but no on else seems to see them and he mumbled something. That was followed by three minutes of back and forth: What did you SAY? Nothing! Tell me! It was nothing! Tell ME!!! OK, I said, I would never put steroids in my body for no reason.
Really? You wanna go? You wanna take this outside???
Today is the day!
Today is the day when I write about Deren and how much I adore him. When we are off, he usually winds up saying something stupid but funny. I wind up just being cranky and crying and that’s not very entertaining. He can and does make me laugh everyday. When the last thing I feel like doing is laughing, he can still pull it off. And when I feel like laughing, we laugh till we cry. Deren’s laugh, when he can’t stop, is one of the best sounds I have ever heard.
Deren can change a flat tire in 20 minutes and never even swear! Last weekend he built two raised beds and installed them in two hours! That fascinates me. Men in my family don’t do things like that. He can fix things. Blows my mind.
If you believe Deren (and I always do except when I know he is making things up, like plant names), if you believe Deren, he fell in love with me the moment he laid eyes on me and knew we would get married. As we say to each other regularly, “you called it.” Well I say that and he says, “I called it”…What am I doing? You understand the way pronouns work.
I didn’t fall in love at first sight. I didn’t know we would get married. But I knew he was different. I couldn’t live without him and I tried. We don’t know how many times I have broken up with him. Nor do we know why I would always come back or take him back. I guess that is true love.
I have seen Deren in a room at Providence Hospital in Portland, completely loopy on Ativan while detoxing from the alcohol that could have killed him. He hadn’t showered for awhile, he thought there were kittens in the room, he wanted to take my car to go get some “stuff at home” and he’d “be right back”. He was a most congenial patient, everyone loved him but he was out of his mind. And all I could think was how much I loved him and how he was totally not taking my car anywhere. I told him then, “Don’t fuck this up. Don’t make me sorry that I’m sticking with you.”
Not that that is Deren but it is funny.
Deren never looked back. He has been sober for three years. He has a good job. He and I have built a life together and I think we have done it with our best interests and the best interests of our children at heart.
When I am with Deren, I am the best version of me. I understand love more clearly. I am better at puns. I laugh at myself more easily. I forgive quicker. I say I love you more frequently. All I want from Deren is to continue on in this life and make memories. I don’t ever want things from him…just experiences so when we are old and gray (God willing), we will be able to look back and say remember that trip? that store? that movie? that road? that moment?
I am so blessed by the mystery of finding the love of my life and I will be forever grateful.