Derwood’s Shirts

I have been so swamped lately, I haven’t had time to blog. I’m trying to read and comment but I’m definitely not at the top of my game. I’m looking forward to May 19 (that’s the day after my wedding).

Despite being busy, there are times when one is called to write. When life’s events demand that someone (me) tell the story. This morning it became clear to me that I needed to blog about Derwood’s shirts.

Derwood wears black t-shirts everyday. Well not shirtS, just one at a time but everyday it is on him under whatever other shirt he is wearing. He doesn’t own any white oxford shirts so don’t be alarmed. As most women do, I feel like I’m doing laundry all the time and the laundry room is never empty. Where do all these clothes come from and why don’t any of the socks match? I digress. I seem to always be folding laundry whilst watching my program (BBC’s “Monarch of the Glen”). The other day Derwood told me that he was missing some black t-shirts. I have no idea how he knows this because his t-shirt drawer always seems full of black colored t-shirts.

This morning he brought up the “missing” shirts again. I did laundry yesterday and I’ll be damned if there weren’t more black t-shirts in the laundry! Now that laundry is in a basket on the kitchen table and all the black t-shirts are accounted for.

Here’s my question…how does he know when a black t-shirt is missing? Are the t-shirts tagged with tracking devices like sea lions? Does this allow Deren to know when a shirt has left its habitat? What if the shirts are migrating but will be back in the fall?

Sea lions branded for tracking. Photo courtesy of the Friends of Ecological Reserves in Race Rocks, BC.
Sea lions branded for tracking. Photo courtesy of the Friends of Ecological Reserves in Race Rocks, BC.

I’ve never noticed numbers or other branding marks on the t-shirts other than manufacturers names. How does Derwood sense when a member of the black t-shirt herd is missing? How does he know he didn’t somehow leave it in his golf bag like the shirt he found a couple of weeks ago? The shirt he was sure I threw away, but I didn’t he just didn’t have its tracking device on.

I buy Derwood shirts. Here are some photos of the exact kinds of shirts I have bought him or picked out for him. He has that orange striped Izod shirt (and a green checked one that I couldn’t find a photo of), he has those exact Polo shirts, he has a cute navy gingham Gap shirt…these are examples of shirts Derwood has.

chambray greenpolo izodorange

This is an example of the shirts Derwood wears:


Derwood is addicted to blue shirts. Blue shirts with black t-shirts underneath. I can’t tell you how many blue shirts he has. And they are typically Costco shirts or shirts he got at the Goodwill because he loves the Goodwill.

What I can tell you is that I was talking to my shirt team the other day and they want to know what the hell is going on.

“Why don’t we ever get to go to work with Derwood?”

“I haven’t seen the outside of this closet in eight months!”

“Is it my color? Is he ashamed of my orange stripes?! That’s discrimination!”

Derwood thinks that the colorful shirts don’t know what’s going on but he underestimates them. They realize the members of the black t-shirt herd are out and about everyday, every night. The black t-shirts have seen all four seasons. They go out on appointments, to the movies, they go to school and the office, they go on road trips and out to dinner. Ask Green Checked Izod shirt when the last time he went out in the car for a spin and I can guarantee you the poor guy has no idea. He’s all buttoned up with no place to go.

This has got to stop. Derwood, I know you are out there reading this. What are you going to do to right the wrongs that are happening in your closet right now. Right NOW as I type, there are lovely, crisp, cotton shirts just hanging around looking for trouble. Is that what you want?


Invites are going out today. Cake is ordered. Tent and champagne glasses are ordered. Food is coming along. I’m thinking of getting little boxwoods to line the driveway wall. Mulch is in. Lawns being mowed today. May 4 is power washing day. I have a hair appointment on May 11. I went dress shopping last night and ordered a dress from Macy’s that is being shipped from the east coast. I have decided to buy the dresses I like and then try them all on and return the ones I don’t want.

Bummer: I have to buy a size 16 dress to get my chest into it and then have it tailored down because the bottom half of me is a size 6/8.

I saw this adorable dress last night and the Kate Spade ladies shook their heads sadly and said there is no way you are gettin’ your girls into that dress.


From the waist down, I have the figure of a 9-year -old boy….upstairs, well…you get the idea.

Headed out on a girls’ weekend to Seattle and will shop more there. Whine about it and then drink and eat a lot.


27 replies to “Derwood’s Shirts

  1. I lie the shirts. Is your husband a hillbilly or cowboy? And the green dress looks really elegant. If I may, have you come any closer to the size you would lie to be?

  2. I’m deeply sorry for the unrest my upper body garment choices have caused. I will now shun my blue collar, workaday, bland ass Kirklands and come out of the closet with my fancy duds blazin’ like the fellas above. I’ll need a wig!

  3. My sweet husband wears whatever I hand him. Since we picked one another, we agree we each have exquisite taste, so no problems. Have fun on your girls’ weekend! xoxoM

  4. Maggie, might I just say that the solution is staring you right in the face. I think Derwood needs to see you wearing his crisp oxford shirts around the house. That will give them a chance to get out and be seen, even if it’s just around the house, and Derwood might actually re-consider his black and blue love affair. I wear my husband’s shirts, and my son’s too! I like them as night gowns.
    The wedding sounds like it’s really coming together!! Yay! Too bad on the Kate Spade dress. J Crew, for what it’s worth, has some great dresses, too, and the way they pack and ship them is very elegant. I think it’s smart to try and send back. Easy peasy.
    Have a great weekend!! xoxxo

    1. Lisa, I appreciate your thought but I don’t know that my twin set would fit in Derwood’s shirts 😦

      I’m going to look at J. Crew and Barneys and Saks and see if Nordstrom in Seattle has more variety than in Portland, it is their flagship store.

      Happy Weekend Tuesday!
      xo mag

      1. I bet the Nordstrom in Seattle will have a nice selection. Lily and I have actually been there. We also thought Lord and Taylor had some good picks, too.

        The twin set! ha! My upper arms are a twin set that prevent me from fitting in smaller sizes. What can I say, they are my Irish Grandmother’s potato farmer genes.

        1. We Irish are a sturdy bunch.
          Is there a Lord & Taylor in Seattle? I wish there was a Nieman’s somewhere near me. I suppose I could just buy online and see what I get! I’m gonna go look!

  5. I have to ask ~ Derwood or Deren? Are you a bigamist, or does he get Deren when you’re angry?
    And it is a well known fact there’s a Bermuda Triangle in every laundry room, where t-shirts, socks, and bra wires go missing. This mystery has never been solved. 🙄

  6. I guess the big question I have is: Will Derwood wear a black t-shirt on his wedding day? Maybe the Maginot Line could be May 18 – pre 18th, black t-shirts. Post 18th, a new wife. A new colored tee. I figured the missing black ones was your doing – quietly, once a week, one or two “magically disappear”, replaced by nice white ones.

    VERY Impressive you can juggle planning a wedding, parenting, and blogging! I struggling holding my coffee.

    PS: If you are a burger fan, while in Seattle, go to Red Mill Burgers. Not quite as good as California’s In ‘n Out Burgers or Fat Burgers, but pretty tasty. Mmmm. Have fun!!!

  7. Maggie,
    These Oxford blue shirts bring me back to my Blockbuster years, where we managers were forced with a gun to our heads to wear these, AND a tie. Can you imagine Le Clown with a tie… that doesn’t curl up?
    Le Clown

  8. Derwood is lucky to have such an understanding shirt herder. Wedding sounds like it is coming along great – sending good wedding juju flying your way. btw – we could be measurement twins – IF one of us were standing on her head!

  9. That Kate Spade dress is so Mad Men…love it. Christina Hendrix has some bazongas and she always looks super sexy…since you are getting fitted…GO FOR IT and have fun with the girls (boobs) and get whatever sexy dress you want and make them (people who sew) make it fit you…YOU ARE THE BRIDE…and have fun with your girls (friends) this weekend!!

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