Do You Want Me to Cry?

I have been working on a post all week. One that I was initially really excited about and thought was very clever and now it is just an albatross I need to throw at all of you. And you are going to hopefully read it tomorrow and think, “Really, Maggie? Was it really that difficult? This took you a WEEK to write?”

I am truly much busier with my new duties at work. However, I am apprehensive that I will not be getting the raise I want and a different title, because “Administrative Assistant” makes me feel silly.Β  I’m 48, well-educated, talented and competent and all the things I need to be. I have put in my 2 years here waiting for this opportunity and if I don’t get what I want, I will tell them that I will be actively looking for another job. And then scream and punch a wall.

I’m hormonal.

I don’t know if I have mentioned this but I am the oldest person in my office. There are seven of us and I’m the oldest. My boss is the next oldest and he is 7 years younger than I. The youngest was born in 1988, which is a ridiculous year for an adult to be born. How can I be working with a man who was born after I graduated from college?!

I’m telling you that… to tell you this: some of my coworkers don’t like it when I open the office door to the 4th floor hallway to get some circulation going because I am so damn hot. Some of my young coworkers express dismay at the door being open. They recover quickly and say it is okay; that they can just shut their doors if they feel cold. I will never be a good poker player, my face makes it very clear when you shouldn’t fuck with me.

menopause

I got home from work yesterday feeling teary because my girls are in Palm Springs with their dad (which I think is wonderful) and are not posting pictures on Facebook and telling me what they are doing. So that made me cry. Derwood and I were supposed to go to dinner and a movie but I didn’t want to, so that made me cry. We went for an hour long walk and that made me feel better.

I felt better, until I noticed I had two zits on my face that had not been there when we left the house. Really? That’s what a 60 minute walk in the beautiful spring evening resulted in? More cystic acne?! That’s just pretty.

After the walk, I was attempting to get all sexy and passionate with Derwood, wound up head-butting him and cutting my lip, which made me feel stupid. The dog was barking at us. So, I started crying again. I quickly went from teary to bitter to angry to barely controlled seething rage finally collapsing in hopelessly fat in about 90 seconds.

After a bottle of wine and dinner, we watched the Voice. I really like the addition of Shakira and Usher and I don’t miss Christina Aguilera’s boobs at all. I was dozing off on the couch so Deren said, “c’mon, let’s put you in bed.” So I went to bed and he left. I asked, “where are you going?” “To watch the rest of the show.” Oh, he gets to watch it but I don’t. Fine. So I was bitter but I didn’t cry.

I woke this morning in the pre-dawn light. Birds were chirping outside the open window and I thought, “I hate everyone and I am fat and stupid and ugly.” Deren was cautious around me and gave me a little hug before he left. I followed him down the hall and said, “Don’t do that, you’ll make me cry.”

That man’s gonna marry me. Lucky bastard.

eunice

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60 thoughts on “Do You Want Me to Cry?

  1. I am totally going to cry. This was great. You are not crazy. Right now I think everyone hates me. We should be fast friends my dear!!! hahahahahaha.Horror movies and Walking Dead seems to help. Also – completely addicted to Game of Thrones. Watching people go medieval on everyone is a wonderful thing.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I’ve never appreciated my y-chromosome more…

  3. I had it very rough earlier this year with my menopause symptoms, but a month ago I stopped eating red meat, transitioned to a total Mediterranean diet and have been pop black cohosh pills twice a day (since February). The physical improvement has been significant and my hot flashes have all but stopped. Aside from my boss, my company’s owner, I have been the oldest person in my department since Day One — and that was nearly nine years ago. I have seen 100% turnover in personnel countless times, but last week when my assistant of three years had his last day, it was very rough on me emotionally. But that might have had nothing to do with menopause. He’s irreplaceable.

    • Maggie O'C says:

      I know, I have to be better about the black cohosh. I have it, the capsules are just really big. I’m sorry Lame, do you have a new assistant? Where’s the Manhattan Project?

      • Nope. No new assistant. When people quit this sinkhole, they’re not replaced. It adds to the disintegration of morale. [insert loud sigh here] On a much happier note, the Manhattan Project should be good to go by mid-April, or maybe sooner. I’ll email you privately when I know.

        I urge you to get serious about popping the black cohosh. You feel like hell so much of the time. What have you to lose? Just leave notes for yourself, ask Deren or your daughters to remind you — take one with breakfast and the other with dinner. Every day. It might take a few weeks to kick in, but it did for me.And how I noticed it was working was the best – I forgot about feeling like crap! One day it just dawned on me, “I’m not hot flashing!”

  4. Ha ha, this is…wait, is this a funny post or a sad one? I want to laugh at you, but now I’m sad because my wife will one day go through this and I don’t know that I can handle it.

  5. Dawn Clancy says:

    Good to know that I am not the only one that says this – β€œI hate everyone and I am fat and stupid and ugly.” Awesome post!

  6. Brigitte says:

    Maggie, you are the smartest one there and you just send those little brats (or anyone else that messes with you and your open-air door) to me. Just kidding. I’ve had those days you’re having but at least you’ve got The Voice, wine and Derwood — Maggie’s trinity for a bad day at the office, right? Feel better and yes it is freakin ridiculous that one of your co-workers was born in 1988. I was wearing shoulder pads then I think. Geez.

    • Maggie O'C says:

      Right?! I could have driven his mom to the hospital with my cool one button blazer with the shoulder pads. I get nervous around him because I realize he thinks of me like his mother and asks me for permission to do things. hahaha

  7. JackieP says:

    take the black cohosh!! It saved my sanity when I went through menopause in my mid 30’s. It will save yours too. It also gets rid of those nasty hot flashes! No matter how big the pill is, take it! You will be so glad you did. (so will everyone else. πŸ˜‰ )

  8. LOL! I can so relate to this post, well, maybe just the hot flashes and crying and watching the Voice, okay, and the adult acne, too. πŸ˜‰ But seriously, you’re surrounded by great people because you’re so damn funny and smart and sensitive – everyone loves you. So what’s a little crying jag or cystic acne…? meh. Who cares. You got it going on, lady. No worries.

    • Maggie O'C says:

      Don’t you love the Voice? So you had a good time but no relocation?

      • Unless I want to retire and forget about a future love life… yes. …although the ocean there really beckons me. You would have liked it. It’s in the middle of no where. Very isolated. No crime, very clean and no congestion. It feels like how you would want Florida to feel if you could design a town. I liked it and the homes were so beautiful. Very beachy.

  9. Tilda says:

    You poor thing!
    I was out with an old school friend a while back, and we were taking about the tricks our aging bodies were performing, and after each symptom we would ask, ‘Do you think it’s the big M?’ Like it’s a big monster waiting to attack!
    What we women have to go through, we’re awesome!

  10. By the way – I literally just walked in the door from my Vero Beach trip. I LOVED it but apparently it is an island of women, 50 and older, who are recently divorced or widowed. Not an available man in sight. Sooo… that might cramp my style a little. Ya think? Otherwise, it was PERFECT.

  11. Amy B. says:

    Love this πŸ™‚ You seem so….normal. You may be a little crazy but I’ve come to the conclusion that crazy is normal. And good. Of course, my blog is called “Crazy Much?” So I’m all for a little bit of crazy πŸ˜‰

  12. quiltnmama says:

    Tell the wusses to wear a sweater and leave the friggin’ doors alone. I’m with you, Maggie!

  13. Love your post. You make me laugh about wanting to cry. It’s our emotional enema. Yuck. But yeah.

  14. My favourite part – “I hate everyone and I am fat and ugly and stupid.” Your writing is what I’d describe to people as ‘honest and gritty.’ Does that make you feel any better?

  15. Sometimes I hate everyone and think that I am ugly and stupid too, and wonder what the heck happened to my legs………….

  16. sally1137 says:

    Full moon last night. On the other hand, I feel fat ugly stupid old crazy no matter what phase of the moon it is.

  17. Andrew says:

    Can I get a t-shirt of this- “I will never be a good poker player, my face makes it very clear when you shouldn’t fuck with me.”

  18. unfetteredbs says:

    Dear Maggie–
    Thank you for making me feel normal. I’m in the shitter with ya. I don’t think I need to say anything else. You made chuckle— πŸ™‚

    • Maggie O'C says:

      I thought I was all better but had another crying fit this morning. Sheesh!

      • unfetteredbs says:

        I seem to be going the cranky angry woman way. Sigh. I’ll tell you I’m tired of not sleeping and when I do waking up soaking in my own sweat. TMI ??? Hell. It is pure freakin hell.

  19. Kelly says:

    Blerrgh. Those days… the Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, Guess I’ll go eat worms!!
    Long, thin, slimy ones, Short, fat, juicy ones, Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms!!! Down goes the first one, down goes the second one, Oh how they wiggle and squirm!! Up comes the first one, up comes the second one, Oh how they wiggle and squirm!!

    I sing this song to myself. It helps.

  20. I hear you on so many levels. I have one co-worker who brings a scarf to work and loudly flicks it as she walks in ‘in case SHE (aka me) has the air con on’ – hello we’re having hot weather quite apart from my own personal summer!!!
    and etcetc – that’s me agreeing with your post, and Audra’s comment just above mine…

    πŸ™‚

  21. lsurrett2 says:

    I get the feeling I should be very afraid of the changes I may experience in 10 or so years. Just great. I too, understand the whole well-educated assistant deal. I get a lot of “but you’re so overqualified…” Well, at least someone is older than me here.

  22. At least you’re not in South FL and can open a door to cool off…a very small upside to the Big M. And you’re still employed! Does Weight Watchers have a Big M Plan ’cause it generally tells the body to get fat no matter what you eat or how much you exercise??? PMS is a walk in the park in comparison.

  23. Annie says:

    haha Great post. Now I know what is wrong with my mom all the time..

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