Costco Shopping with Derwood

Costco is a chain of warehouse stores where members can buy Easter dresses, barbecues, fresh crab, slabs of cheese, 5 dozen eggs and 50 lbs of dog food, as well as tires, cars, get their eyes checked, pictures developed, and have their house recarpeted. Just in case one of my readers doesn’t have a Costco near them.

Has anyone seen the drums of mayonnaise?
Has anyone seen the drums of mayonnaise?

There are different types of Costco shoppers.

There are the older shoppers who are only there to hover about and test all the sample food. My father was this kind of Costco shopper, he loved it. These shoppers are often found in Costco on week days around lunch time.

There are the Costco shoppers who have lists, who know the lay out of the store, and want to get in and get out. They can stop and look at the books for a minute but are not easily taken off task. I’m one of those kinds of Costco shoppers. I don’t dawdle around the food areas. I’m happy to leave my children to that. And if the food sample looks good, I make them go back and get me some.

There are the Costco shoppers who are like crows, fascinated by the shiny objects. They enter the wonderland of Costco to stare and spin around looking at the big screen tvs, 50 count boxes of granola bars, 20 count razor blades, plastic boxes of grapes and bags of mangos, right next to the printer paper and the bakery. This is where we find Derwood.

Derwood and I went on our first ever joint shopping trip to Costco on Sunday.

We looked at razor blades and marveled at the exorbitant cost. Why are Venus razor blades so expensive? Is it hard to make razor blades? I don’t get it and thus have very dull razors because I’m not paying $24.99 for eight razor blades.

Behold the Venus razor blade. She is more precious than gold.
Behold the Venus razor blade. She is more precious than gold.

I got contact lens solution. I went to put a double pack of fish oil capsules (for my cholesterol) in the cart, “don’t buy those, I can get them cheaper at Grocery Outlet.” Okay. I did get a green light on the six pack of toothpaste for $8.99!

We move on to the dry food zone. There is discussion about how much Deren used to know about whole grains. Hell I thought we just learned a lot after the Barley road trip. We didn’t buy the hemp seed for $11.99 to sprinkle on yogurt, salads and something else. We get some Dave’s Killer Bread, string cheese, Izze’s soda, but not Diet Coke because it’s cheaper at Safeway, according to Derwood.

We make the turn, to the paper goods and cleaning supply aisle. I tell Derwood to get the ginormous pack of toilet paper and I will go get the Ziploc products. It takes me a few minutes to analyze which bags I want and pick up a 20 piece box of Ziploc container/Tupperware things. I stroll back to the cart and see Derwood staring at something while on the phone. There is no toilet paper in the cart. I put the Ziploc stuff in the cart and watch him walking toward me.

M: you didn’t get the toilet paper?

D: No, I thought you were.

M: What were you doing?

D: Calling AirWick

M: Why did you call AirWick?

D: Because it says on the packaging if you want to know the ingredients in that air freshener to call that number. Do you KNOW what kind of toxins are in that?!

Don't ask, you don't what to know.
Don’t ask, you don’t what to know.

Deren deals with filtering air for a living. We don’t own any AirWick products so I don’t know what he was going to say if AirWick had answered. Please remember this man has been sober for years, he’s just like this.

We make it through the dairy section for milk and eggs, head toward the deli and meat departments where we begin the “what’s for dinner?” discussion. We both look around for whatever may strike our fancy. I find some ravioli shaped like Shamrocks! Ta Dahhhhh!

Nothing says Irish home cooking like ravioli!
Nothing says Irish home cooking like ravioli!

I’m looking for dinner stuff and notice Derwood about 15-20 feet away staring at a display, looking at one of the products that he is holding, back at the display, then over at the produce, back at the, what I know now, is a car windshield wiper blade. I get the ravioli, a jar of pesto and some crumbed feta cheese (feta cheese is the dieter’s friend, at least one ounce at a time). I put everything in the cart and stand watching Derwood and the wiper blade inspection. He looks up and sees me looking at him and starts laughing with me.

Then we hit the produce department and we are good to go!

I said I thought this would be our last trip to Costco together because I have to herd him too much but Derwood says I’m wrong.

37 thoughts on “Costco Shopping with Derwood

  1. Jane T

    As always, great stuff! I must comment on the use of the word ginormous because it will make you laugh to know that Sophia’s 3rd grade teacher crossed it out on her homework last week. He wrote in enormous and I had to explain to her that technically ginormous is not a word even though she hears people use it all the time.

  2. haha! I love the opening bit. Costco is too much crazy disorder and stimulus for me. Plus my mind doesn’t work in drum sizes. My brain is already mixed up — when I go inside Costco and find electronics and summer board shorts next to the bakery bread, my mind literally blows a fuse. The Shamrock Ravioli… Oh, good Lord! I wouldn’t be able to pass that up either.
    Well, at least I know you and Derwood will have provisions for a good long time – in case the apocalypse happens unexpectedly. Way to be prepared.

      1. One day, when there’s some natural disaster and food supplies are cut off for a few weeks, you’ll be eating a pickled egg to survive and thinking what a great purchase dad made. Of course, my wife will be sipping hot sauce and thinking what an idiot she married.

  3. JackieP

    We have a Costco here, I won’t join, well because I don’t need ginormous (word or not I”m using it!) of anything. Also, I know I would overspend. Hell I do that at safeway! I hate shopping.

  4. Papizilla

    I love and miss Costco so much. There are none within 150 miles of me. We have to go to Sam’s Club. *sigh* Yes I am jealous.

  5. I love Costco! I’m an in and out kinda girl ….. list and all …. and know exactly where I need to go … that being said, “we” stop just inside the door and look at sunglasses ev-er-y sing-le freeking time “we” go to Costco …. just in case he sees a pair he wants to buy … to add to the three other pair he already has …. some people just cannot stay away from the sparkly stuff! lol!

  6. Sandra

    You crack me up. Deren can shop with Larry, although Larry goes for his perscriptions, comes home witrh 7 bags full of groceries.

  7. Although there actually is a Costco in Manhattan, over on E 116 Street by the FDR Drive, I’ve yet to go to it. Mostly because I don’t have the room to store ginormous anything, no matter how great the price! xoxoM

  8. This was so funny!!! We have Costco out here too. I love/hate it. When there is only one or two people…you feel like you are shopping for the apocalypse…its ridiculous to buy four tubes of toothpaste. Toilet paper…you can never have too much of…Jordache Jeans?? YES. I am a nut in there…I can’t go in. I buy books, tubs of peanut butter, 8 toothbrushes…you guys did good. Men always think they are better shoppers because they DILLY DALLY or because they drive across town to save a dime. I’m with you…go separately. You will stay married longer.

  9. I’ve only visited Costco on the West Coast when I’m with my sister. The one by her seems to be about the size of a village. I think one opened way uptown here in Manhattan a few years ago, but I’ve never been there since I have no place to put any of the super-sized, multiple quantity products that are their specialty. My hovel is so tiny it could easily fit inside Costco at least a thousand times.

    I love those goofy looking ravs — who needs boiled potatoes with corned beef and cabbage this St. Paddy’s Day when there’s shamrock-shaped ravs in the house?

    1. Exactly! I have a friend who lives in that neighborhood, so she does shop at Costco. However, since she’s so close, she can pop in for one or two humongous deals at a time, store them, and come back for something else as room becomes available in her apartment. For me, it’s a schlep and not so much. These days, I’m a Trader Joe’s shopper and, for some staples, Sahadi’s in Brooklyn. Since Sahadi’s and Trader Joe’s in Brooklyn are almost across the street from one another, it’s a win-win. Plus, taking the IRT express makes it easier to get there than to go to East Harlem! xoxoM

      1. Oh yeah, I hear you! I’m a 30-year 74th and Broadway Fairway shopper. I’d shop at TJ’s more but their checkout lines are painfully long. No way am I going to schlep to East Harlem to shop at Costco, either, plus it would be an ordeal and a half (or, a Lame Adventure), just getting whatever I’d buy at Costco to my pint sized hovel. It’s not like borrowing Maggie’s car is an option and no way would I spring for a cab. That fare would eat up whatever savings I’d get from shopping at Costco.

          1. I haven’t noticed that at the one on 72nd and B’way, but the check out lines to pay practically cross state lines. Which TJ’s do you frequent? (Maggie’s going to smack us both with a baseball bat real soon.)

          2. Sorry, Mags! I mostly shop at the 72nd St one (I live in Harlem), and if you get there around lunch or dinner time, the line OUTSIDE goes around the Bank of America! The checkout lines at ALL TJ’s cross several state lines; the good thing is that they cross them quickly! 😉

        1. Oh!!! I love Fairway! ‘Cept I go to the one in Red Hook (so glad it’s open again now) whenever I visit my son & DIL in Brooklyn! Will be in 3 weeks and it’s one of the highlights of my trip (wierd … just wierd, I know)! lol!

  10. Hysterical 🙂
    And thank you for the first paragraph because I am one of those readers – I have heard of Costco and I think one recently opened in Oz but nowhere near me…one day I will join the ranks of Derwood and stare at the shiny things on display, in bulk 🙂

  11. I’ve always been confused why the American Express card is the only card accepted at Costco (other than debit cards) when, without sounding horribly snobby, the default shopper doesn’t seem to be your typical American Express card holder. Ouch. That sounds worse when reading it than I meant it but you get my drift.

    I’m a non-Costco user but our youngest swears by the one near her and says it has the best meat department in all the land. We’ll take her word for it! 🙂

    1. I hear you on the Amex thing. I’m an Amex gal so I’m good either way at Costco. I’m not going to go into my theory on that because it will make you sound like a populist 🙂

      Costco lamb and Costco spare ribs rock!

  12. Omg, we had a huge Costco near me when I grew up and my brother and I loved going because he would make me sit on the big flat trolleys and then push me around the car park at death defying speeds, almost crashing me into the parked cars! Ps, can you get Crocs in Costco?

  13. Anonymous

    Okay, we might need to send the men in our lives to Costco together. I decided it was easier to get Russ his own card & just clear out some garage shelves & freezer space. If he has his own card & I refuse to go with him I can buy the 4000+ jar of fish oil & he can buy the DVD’s, assorted nuts & berries in multi-pound bags, random combination cooler-chair-table-hibachi contraptions & redbull in pallet form.

  14. We recently got a Costco card, tho we don’t go often. I think I fit in somewhere between the ones who enter wide-eyed and slackjawed, overwhelmed by all the stuff, and the ones who like the samples lol!

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