OK, Plenty of Match Cupid Fish.com

I had lunch with my friend Joan last week and we got on the subject of dating. She has recently finished her most recent go round with Match.com. I always found it to be a relief when I decided enough was enough and stopped looking at, replying to, participating in Match or Plenty of Fish.

Initially, I loved those sites because there is a questionnaire and I got to write about myself. That’s all good. Then I got to go shopping and reserve the men I liked. And then there is the fun back and forth of the emails and it’s entertaining to chat with new people in the area. It’s like a game with different activities and ratings and prizes. Very exciting. I even bumped into a couple of guys I knew from high school or my kids’ school and could say Hi, what do you think of all this, etc. It was fun.

Then the dating begins and the fun is over. I found out that not everyone has the same definition of  “athletic build”. Once for a lunch date, I was dwarfed by a man who was a giant…6 foot something, 300 lbs. Not football player huge; rather looming giant man with hips huge. Whoa dude! And brilliant, he should have posted some sort of IQ test for potential dates to take.

Joan’s worst, most recent date involved meeting a guy for a drink and being told that he is really picky so dating is difficult for him. What’s that you say? How is he picky? Was Joan not tall, thin, blond, buxom, smart, witty, amazing enough for him? No, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he likes to go to strip clubs a couple of times a week and he’s very picky about the women who don’t want to do that with him. He offered to take Joan in his car across town to murder her in an empty lot and make soup out of her carcass to a strip club but she declined. If any of you ladies out there are interested he also likes  those public herpes hot tub places.

One of my surprisingly bad dates was with a guy who actually knew my brother, my dad had coached him in hockey as a kid, his dad was my family’s orthopedic doc…what could go wrong? We got along just fine. Knew a lot of the same people but in less than an hour, he told me he was twice divorced because both of his wives had cheated on him. He puffed his chest out and informed me that he threw both of them out, no questions asked. I have a question? Why do women want to cheat on you? Check, please.

Now this, this  is my worst on-line dating experience:

It was a guy named John, I think. It was definitely a guy and I think his name was John. We chatted on-line and on the phone. I knew he was a widower. Young guy, that’s sad. Coincidentally, neither one of us is busy that evening for dinner, let’s just be spontaneous and meet for some dinner at the Rock Bottom! OK! (Aside: we had just “met” on line that day.) I went downtown to the restaurant and saw who I assumed was him waiting outside for me. He was REALLY thin. Thinner than Derwood thin. But that’s okay. He hugged me. Wow, not okay. You don’t know me. Shake hands. DON’T hug me.

We go in and sit down. It was busy but we got a small booth, thank God I didn’t have to sit next to him in the crowded, loud bar. While eating dinner, I notice that there are some very dolled up (read: whore looking) young 20-something women who keep parading by the table. Dresses that are barely covering their hoo ha’s, big hair, bigger platform shoes, loud, heavy make-up …. and they keep walking back and forth. It took me a while to figure out what was going on when Aha!!! They were smoking. The young ladies would come in, have a drink, talk, then go out for a smoke and so on and so forth.

I commented on these young ladies and John, in what I came to know as his grossly inappropriate awkward wit, said things like,

“In a few years those will be your daughters!” Um, no they won’t.

“How do you know? I bet they will look just like that!” Hey ASSHOLE, guess what, no they won’t! I have raised these girls whom you have never met and are trashing and I know better than you.

“What could you do to stop them? They’ll just change once they leave the house! I bet they will. HAHAHA” OK, there fucktard, NO they won’t and if you say one more word about MY daughters, I will nail your balls to your forehead.(Thanks AVC).

We move on to the next topic. Dead wife. I am trying to be sympathetic to this man although I really feel like punching him in the face. Dead wife discussion continues and it becomes very clear that he has not dealt with her passing at all. He still has all her clothes and shoes and wait for it…..he is offering them to me. Well, thanks for the cheeseburger but I’m gonna pass on your dead wife’s clothing. Mmm K?

He insists on walking me back to my car. I allow that he can walk me to the parking garage but I will be going to my car by myself. Walking up the street, John decides it would be a good idea to hold my hand. WHAAAA??? I yank my hand away and he grabs it again, laughing. I yank it away again. “hey c’mon! hahaha!” he said. “Do NOT touch me, I MEAN it.” I say.

And I walked happily back to my car and my empty house.

Now I will go say a prayer of thanks for Derwood.


49 thoughts on “OK, Plenty of Match Cupid Fish.com

  1. I am one of the lucky few people (or possibly the only person..?) to meet my wife within the first batch of Match.com matches six years ago. In fact, we both signed up the same day, 100 miles away from each other, each of us with custody of our two children (one boy, one girl each), thinking, “This is never going to work, but I need the practice.” Your story (absolutely hilarious, by the way… and I’m sorry), and other like it remind me to count my lucky stars — not that I need reminding 😉

    1. Kitty Bone

      I am in the lucky match.com club as well. Ironically two women that I work with (and our company is pretty small) met their husbands/fiance on the site. But anyone that I suggest use it inevitably is paired with a Civil War Reanactor – not that there’s anything wrong with that – or a man who looks eerily similar to someone on the billboard as you cross into Philadelphia that has the word WANTED in bold print. Counting those lucky stars along with you!

    1. Seriously? My fiance’s name is Deren but I call him Derwood. And it was just plain old funny. I’d have been sad for him (John) if he had kept his hands to himself and not passed judgement on my children.

      1. JackieP

        for sure. the man was an idiot. I felt sad for you, that you went through that. Yup, seriously my ex’s middle name was Derwood. He hated it.

  2. southernfriedinvegas

    Hahahaha. I’ve been there. You haven’t had a bad dating experience until you find a security guard who turns out to be SQUATTING in the nice house he “lives” in and is butt naked when you come out of the bathroom, smoking a little crack, telling you how horny it makes him.
    NO JOKE. I have never been more scared, ran faster, or squealed my tires louder than I did that night. I get the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.
    I actually got lucky, though, and met my husband on OkCupid. Yes. The worst of them all. He’s pretty normal so far.

      1. southernfriedinvegas

        I know, right?! He had to fight to keep me off him! Or I had to fight to keep him from texting me…
        something like that. LOL

  3. Papizilla

    Wow. What would have made that date even better is if he had kept calling you “Clarice” and offering you Fava beans and a nice Chianti….. Skin Suit anybody? One size fits all, right here? I agree with the above comment, I am so happy I am married right now….I’m going to go give my wife a hug and thank her right now.

  4. Wow Maggie,
    You have some stories!
    I guess I’m glad I never did the online dating thing; it sounds like the perception lost from the non-physical nature of the e-world is an important factor.
    People are amazingly weird.

      1. I forgot, I got on one of those sites and when I wanted to unsubscribe, it wouldn’t let me. I got so mad, I changed my profile to a 7-foot,75-lb, rainbow-haired, 96-year-old harridan, and I still had “have we got a match for you!” messages for a long time…probably till I turned 100 and they cut me off or thought I was finally dead! lol xoxoM

  5. Holy Shit, Maggie, you went on a date with Dahmer 2.0. Glad you made it home safely.

    I joined match after a nasty break up, because I was tired of meeting girls at bars. Then, after meeting the craziest woman on earth off Match, I met my current lady at…..a bar! Weird.

    1. Valerie, I know and have heard of people who have had great success on line. I just didn’t.

      I don’t know what to say about the guy in my post. Looking back, I feel bad for him. He clearly needed a lot of counseling but NOBODY trashes my kids! 🙂

  6. My sister met my bro-in-law, someone I consider a very good guy, through a personal ad (this was back in 1998). My former colleague met her fiance, who she’s marrying in June, through Match. She had dated an awful jerk before him. I urged her to join Match. It worked out quite well for her. I have occasionally met people through online dating, some have been pretty cool, but there are a lot more flakes on those sites than worthwhile types. My longer lasting relationships have always been with women I’ve met in real life-type situations. I cannot believe that guy you spontaneously went out with was such a tool that he’d mouth off so thoughtlessly about your daughters.

  7. oh my dear dear lady friends….I am writing a novel I have so many of these horror stories. Very good…I may include essays from friends!!! Jesus. You are awesome for NOT being ‘polite’ as all’ ladies’ are taught…DON’T TOUCH ME. love you.

  8. Yeah, the online dating scene makes for some comedy gold, that’s for sure. I met Mr. Weebles on Match.com, but there were a few guys I encountered that still have me scratching my head. Just when I thought people couldn’t be more dysfunctional, I’d meet a guy who’d prove me wrong.

  9. Jane T

    Thank you for making me laugh once again and proving that I made the right choice. No online dating for me. I am fortunate enough to have hilarious stories without the added hassle of the online experience. Lets talk soon cause I have a couple more to share. Think, new escapades in NYC.

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