My New Yoga Regimen

I’m an enigma. You heard me, an enigma! Most people get into dieting and fitness during the spring and summer months when food is fresher and fruit is abundant, the weather is nice so you can exercise outside. That doesn’t happen to me. Summer is a time for eating, drinking and being merry. Then winter comes and I’m fat and realize I have to deal with it. Sure it is counter-intuitive but as I mentioned, I am an enigma.

To that end and upon reading about Amy West’s abs, I have begun doing yoga, Kundalini yoga to be specific.

I am one of the least bendy people in the world so doing yoga wouldn’t hurt me but it hurts me.

This is not what the people in the yoga video look like.

So my new exercise regimen, includes doing these calisthenics:

Feel free to do these too, if you want.

Technically, I don’t even have to do these because I’ve pinned them on Pinterest.

So I did those exercises. Doing 80 jumping jacks is hard! And so far I have only done one set of these because after the first set I do the yoga and then the wind down/meditation and then I’m asleep.

In all honesty, I really like the yoga. I can feel it working my core and it is helping with my arthritic neck and horrible flexibility. I bet it’s funny watching me do the tree pose because I have no balance at all. So I do spend some of my personal private yoga time laughing. Some yogis encourage laughing, it’s called HaHaGaffaw Yoga.

I kind of laughed yesterday when the woman with the serene, quiet, supportive voice on the video told me to grab my ankles and walk around the room. Nothing to see here. Just me walking around the room holding my ankles with the dog watching me and Brigid called in to take pictures.

Me demonstrating ankle grab walk
Mudd stays very close to me during yoga which is very helpful

I need to brush Mudd’s teeth because his breath smells like an empty tuna can and he likes to be near me and do his breathing while I’m grabbing my ankles.

I watch the video with my eyes closed as much as possible to help me center and reach inside myself and align and wring out my organs. I breath in and out through one nostril at a time to clear my right and left brains. I smell an intensely offensive odor like a combination of sulfur and old liver because while I’m centering my chakras my dog is farting out his venison/sweet potato dinner.

At the end of the work out is the deep relaxation time. Not surprisingly, I have trouble with this. One of my problems with this is that the woman on the video is quiet while relaxing and I worry that I have relaxed for too long. I have to look over at the computer to see if the video stopped or the internet crashed and then I realize we are being quiet together and the video is showing clouds slowly move across the sky. I go back to my deep relaxation and then Mudd starts whining because, I guess, he thinks I’m dead. It is tough to clear my mind with a pony-dog breathing shit-breath on me and crying because he thinks I’m dead or ignoring him.

Me playing dead. Mudd watching.

After relaxing for what seems like forever but was probably 3 minutes, the voice returns and tells me to start moving my fingers and toes to energize the 72,000 nerve endings. And then we will go to rubbing the bottoms of our feet and the palms of our hands together.

“Hey, Mag? It’s me, Mudd. I’m right here. I’m right here if you need anything at all. Do you want me to go get us some treats?”


44 thoughts on “My New Yoga Regimen

  1. Haha, I feel you. I don’t look like the video either.

    My dog refuses to allow yoga. There will be no yoga. I wish I could get a picture though when we’re both doing our version of down dog when he thinks I’m playing.

  2. I look like a mess when I do yoga, but I love it. I tried bikram yoga last year, and those people mean business. Seriously, everybody was super flexible and it looked like I had never done a simple stretch.

  3. I have that fitness thing on the xbox to do yoga, and it mostly yells at me for not looking like their version of the pose, which makes me furious. I can’t do regular yoga videos because I get too annoyed by all the “breathe deep into your core and feel your soul expand” and what have you. I usually make it about five minutes into one before I’m rolling my eyes at it like a bratty teenager.

    1. I like the sound of calm people b/c I clearly am not a calm person. It’s just hard to pretend that i’m releasing my chakras when the dog is in my face. This is why I must exercise alone or alone with the dog. I’m worse in public.

  4. This is the best post about yoga, ever! I’m going to yoga class on Friday and am already gutted because I’m pretty sure there won’t be any shit-breath sulphur-farting dogs there. It just won’t be the same. I don’t even know if I should go.

  5. Haha! Mudd was like WTF? Great pictures and I might add, Someone thinner happened. You’re looking pretty svelte there, Mags.
    Pinning on my “thinspiration” board is as far as I get lately.
    Keep up the good work and Namaste right back at cha!

    1. Oh Grippy! You are too nice! And I bet you have lost weight from the pinning. I’m gonna go look at your Pinterest b/c I’m going out to dinner and won’t have time to work out. Next best thing! xoxoxo

  6. danci'n kowgirl

    you made my day – tears are spurting out of my eyes from laughing so hard , numb-ass-day -oh, the bananas are coming in! What a great sense of humor. Whichever way it wiggles or makes you giggle, keep it movin’! Thanks for the laughs!

  7. Deb Mukherjee

    Being Indian-the country that invented yoga (I reason to believe we didn’t actually and are just taking credit for all those flexible people) I want to tell you that I don’t like yoga either.
    You’re not supposed to bend that way. IT’S NOT NATURAL. People be contorting themselves in ways……ugh. Just ugh.
    (As I wrote this, there lay a pack of those highly fattening brownies from Trader Joe’s and a family pack of Lays next to me.)
    Do you have any other umm….non-intrusive easy to do workouts for home?
    I’m glad you tried yoga though, great-laugh-till-there-are-tears-in-my-eyes post!

    1. But Deb, I like it! Although I also like those TJs brownies. If you go google at home work outs and then pin them on Pinterest. I think you’re done! I pinned another one yesterday so I’m wasting away.

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