Derwood Makes His Move

This past weekend Derwood moved in with me to begin the Happily Ever After segment of our program. When I was in my 20s and got married, it was a big to-do with parties and registering and gifts. And it was great. As an engaged woman looking down the barrel of 50, it’s very different this time around. Derwood is moving in because I am tired of not seeing him very often and it is more expensive to maintain two households than it is to sustain just one. So he’s in.

The girls and I have been living alone for 3+ years. Annie and Brigid are adjusting to having a man in the house who isn’t their dad. Deren is adjusting to living with two teenage girls who are like those Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp, just watching and waiting. Me? I’m perfectly happy.

Last week Derwood emailed me a handful of links to different night stands he had found on Craigslist. Not like One Night Stands but rather bedside tables. I would open each link and smile gently at how cute he was thinking that he would be picking out a piece of furniture that would go in my pretty bedroom. I agree that he does need a nightstand and I appreciate his enthusiasm in sending me some ideas.

Hahaha. Ohhh, yeah that’s nice. And that would be perfect for the beach house that will need to be purchased simply to house wicker.

Isn’t that darling?! He looked on Craigslist for furniture and sent it to me thinking I would like it and say, “yes, bring that diluted coffee brown wicker nightstand into my girl bedroom. Yes, definitely do that!” hahahah ohhh that guy! He’s funny.

Derwood did have clothes to bring over. Lots of clothes. Two car loads worth of clothes. For one guy. He brought over the first round on Friday night after work. Piles of clothes. A mesh laundry bag full of shoes. Armloads of shirts on hangers. I told him to just dump it in the bedroom and I would get to work arranging closets and creating piles of stuff that could go to Goodwill.

“Don’t get rid of anything without my checking through first to make sure I don’t need it.” I would never do that but if I did, I don’t think he’d miss anything.

Derwood is very fastidious and wrapped all the clothes on hangers in a sheet before putting them in the car so they wouldn’t get dirty. A huge cream-colored flannel sheet. “You know, I have more flannel sheets that I could…” It was sweet how he finally paused and saw the look on my face and his voice trailed off when he realized that no flannel sheets are going on my bed.

On Saturday, Derwood went to work and I culled through the piles of clothes and cleaned and rearranged closets. Saturday night and Sunday morning he went through the piles of clothing that were someway, somehow leaving the house not on his body.

This is the Goodwill shirt pile. Really?

We went through all the reasons that clothes were not staying…

  • Not a 100% cotton
  • Looks like a girl’s shirt
  • You are not a 23-year-old Italian guy
  • There is a stain on it
  • It is not “timeless”

There was the first big black Hefty bag of clothes.

We then moved on to the pants. Derwood told me, “I wore skinny pants three years before they hit the West Coast.” He said those words loud and proud. Derwood is thin so most of his clothes could be qualified as “skinny” clothes. He does not own a pair of skinny jeans because we would not be moving in together and getting married if he did. The pants he was referring to were a pair of cords from the Gap that were just regular straight-legged pants.

After I shooed him out of the house, I finished up making the piles of clothes for donation. And I found these:

Derwood doesn’t know these are gone yet.

I don’t know if you can clearly see these pants but they are cargo pants. The photo shows the back of the pants where there apparently was some sort of ass-flap-chaps feature. One side of the chaps-flap had torn away and I pulled it back so the viewer can see that it was a piece of material sewn over the back of the pants, not to cover a hole in the pants but perhaps, to draw more attention to the wearer’s rear end. I don’t know why it was there but the pants are gone. I love you so much Derwood, honey but these. are. Gone.

Sunday afternoon Annie and I loaded up the car. I was going to take this stuff to Goodwill but Derwood is a Goodwill shopping junkie and I didn’t want him buying his “timeless” ass-flap-chaps clothes back. I had a good idea….Annie and I took two Hefty bags of clothes and two armloads of coats and sweaters and sweatshirts to the Portland Rescue Mission and the clothes will go directly to homeless men and not back in my house. Winter is coming so if you think of it, instead of dropping stuff off with the Goodwill or Salvation Army, give a homeless shelter a call and see if they need it!

And now, the adventure continues.

Postscript: To make sure I didn’t offend anyone, NO wicker was harmed in the making of this post.

38 thoughts on “Derwood Makes His Move

  1. Haha, I know exactly what you mean when you say “You are not a 23-year-old Italian guy.” I love that clothing visual! Perhaps if you guys are ever bored we can have a Skype date and I can meet Derwood.

    1. The shirt was a navy blue, tapered, French cuffed number that he said looked really good on. OK. Where are all your cuff links? Crickets. Shirt is gone.

      We can skype date! How is the return to reality? or just email me 🙂

    1. Right?! Last night he said, “Well it looks like tomorrow is a Calvin Klein day.” OK, why is that? “I don’t have any shirts left.” There are at least 30 shirts in the closet right now. “But that’s probably half of what I had.” Whaaaaa???? I love him so much for the entertainment value alone.

        1. Nope Margarita, it means his fave blue shirt. Happily there are two closets 🙂 By the way, I’m guessing you haven’t stopped posting and I’ve lost you out of my reader again. grrr…

          1. Hah! I’m just posting a little less frequently, Maggie. Going with the flow, not forcing things. It’s interesting to get into a different rhythm for a while! All is well, my friend! xoxoM

  2. N and I have recently been going through the process of streamlining his closet, so I sympathize. It’s an entertaining venture, partly because in the last year he has learned the beauty of a properly fitted suit. There is also the problem of his mother, who thinks he wears a different size and style than he does. But we’ve been slowly but surely making his side of the closet as concise as mine.

    Hope the move goes well! I’m sure you’ll find a non-wicker nightstand that you can all agree on. 🙂

  3. Ahh, the joys of combining two houses full of stuff. Good times, isn’t it? Mr. Weebles and I had fun merging our two apartments full of junk. His clothing choices, fortunately, are pretty sensible. Good call on getting rid of those ratty cargo pants. Did he have any acid wash jeans? I hope not. But what is it with them and the flannel sheets? Mr. Weebs also likes them. I, however, will not sleep on them.

    1. Poor Derwood, now everyone is going to think he is an awful dresser which he isn’t. He mostly wears jeans and button down shirts or khakis but for blogging sake I gotta find the really bad stuff.
      As for the flannel sheets, I have no idea but this hormonal mess of menopause is not night sweating onto flannel.

  4. Oh Maggie, I have a handful of blogs I seriously follow where laughing at the office is going to happen whether I like it or not. Yours is one of them! And my husband and Derwood can never be allowed to go shopping together because the world would be drained dry of its supply of cargo shorts.

    1. That is so nice and I am really flattered to hear it coming from you b/c you are REALLY funny. So I must be too! yay for us! I can handle cargo shorts, really I can but if they have the added ass-flap-chaps then we are going to have an issue.

      Thanks Ericka!!!

  5. DW (47 year-old non-Italian guy)

    You got rid of my Dunderdons? Wow, you gave me every chance to go through the rubble and I trusted you, and you got rid of my Dunderdons. Those were timeless 🙂 Thanks for adding some class to my otherwise somewhat classless taste in clothing. sheesh xoxoxox

    1. Oh sweetie, were those Dunderdons? Why did they have an ass-flap-chaps on them? You have lovely taste in clothes, look at all the lovely clothes you still have!! And I loved that herringbone J Crew blazer!!! xoxox

  6. unfetteredbs

    thanks for the giggles Maggie and I look forward to more “adjustment” posts.. And don’t dis’ the flannel.. I sleep with them and about five blanket. Pure heaven I tell ya pure heaven

  7. Those piles of clothes look like my husband’s permanent clothing condition. Spots, tears, and out-datedness mean nothing to him. I should tackle the pile one day when he is not at home. Or not. It looks like SO much work. Maybe I’ll let him live with his spots and call him ‘eccentric”.

    1. I can’t guarantee that I will stay on top of this going forward but it is nice to start with a clean slate (closet). When my kids were little in preschool, once they were gone I would go into their rooms with a garbage bag and get rid of all the plastic crap they had accumulated. Children, much like husbands, never notice. 🙂

  8. Maggie this made me laugh out loud. My husband doesn’t have bad fashion sense, he has NO fashion sense. He would probably wear ass flap cargo pants claiming they’re comfortable. He’s practical my man he is. I’m not. Makes for a good combination.

  9. Anonymous

    I find it much easier to buy any outfit the mannequin is wearing – figured someone with some fashion sense put it together so it is a safe bet it doesn’t look stupid

  10. This was wonderful. A wonderful account of the simple evils of women and how easily and nonchalantly we can get rid of ‘timeless’ and ‘you are not a 20 year old Italian Guy’ shirts. hahahahahahahaha I call it the Wagon Wheel Table part of the relationship evolution. Great writing. I love you.

  11. Love this! I was “looking down the barrel of 50” six years ago when I moved in with my girl. You reminded me of some of the funny conversations we had and the sorting of furniture and clothes. What a funny life this is! We slipped away to Cannon Beach a few years later and quietly got married on the beach. Thanks for reminding me how great our happily ever after is.

    1. I love that! I would love to slip away to the beach (Gearhart is my fave) and get married but between us we have three girls who want a party and some pretty dresses 🙂

      I dig Happily Ever Afters!

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