This past weekend Derwood moved in with me to begin the Happily Ever After segment of our program. When I was in my 20s and got married, it was a big to-do with parties and registering and gifts. And it was great. As an engaged woman looking down the barrel of 50, it’s very different this time around. Derwood is moving in because I am tired of not seeing him very often and it is more expensive to maintain two households than it is to sustain just one. So he’s in.
The girls and I have been living alone for 3+ years. Annie and Brigid are adjusting to having a man in the house who isn’t their dad. Deren is adjusting to living with two teenage girls who are like those Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp, just watching and waiting. Me? I’m perfectly happy.
Last week Derwood emailed me a handful of links to different night stands he had found on Craigslist. Not like One Night Stands but rather bedside tables. I would open each link and smile gently at how cute he was thinking that he would be picking out a piece of furniture that would go in my pretty bedroom. I agree that he does need a nightstand and I appreciate his enthusiasm in sending me some ideas.
Isn’t that darling?! He looked on Craigslist for furniture and sent it to me thinking I would like it and say, “yes, bring that diluted coffee brown wicker nightstand into my girl bedroom. Yes, definitely do that!” hahahah ohhh that guy! He’s funny.
Derwood did have clothes to bring over. Lots of clothes. Two car loads worth of clothes. For one guy. He brought over the first round on Friday night after work. Piles of clothes. A mesh laundry bag full of shoes. Armloads of shirts on hangers. I told him to just dump it in the bedroom and I would get to work arranging closets and creating piles of stuff that could go to Goodwill.
“Don’t get rid of anything without my checking through first to make sure I don’t need it.” I would never do that but if I did, I don’t think he’d miss anything.
Derwood is very fastidious and wrapped all the clothes on hangers in a sheet before putting them in the car so they wouldn’t get dirty. A huge cream-colored flannel sheet. “You know, I have more flannel sheets that I could…” It was sweet how he finally paused and saw the look on my face and his voice trailed off when he realized that no flannel sheets are going on my bed.
On Saturday, Derwood went to work and I culled through the piles of clothes and cleaned and rearranged closets. Saturday night and Sunday morning he went through the piles of clothing that were someway, somehow leaving the house not on his body.
We went through all the reasons that clothes were not staying…
- Not a 100% cotton
- Looks like a girl’s shirt
- You are not a 23-year-old Italian guy
- There is a stain on it
- It is not “timeless”
There was the first big black Hefty bag of clothes.
We then moved on to the pants. Derwood told me, “I wore skinny pants three years before they hit the West Coast.” He said those words loud and proud. Derwood is thin so most of his clothes could be qualified as “skinny” clothes. He does not own a pair of skinny jeans because we would not be moving in together and getting married if he did. The pants he was referring to were a pair of cords from the Gap that were just regular straight-legged pants.
After I shooed him out of the house, I finished up making the piles of clothes for donation. And I found these:
I don’t know if you can clearly see these pants but they are cargo pants. The photo shows the back of the pants where there apparently was some sort of ass-flap-chaps feature. One side of the chaps-flap had torn away and I pulled it back so the viewer can see that it was a piece of material sewn over the back of the pants, not to cover a hole in the pants but perhaps, to draw more attention to the wearer’s rear end. I don’t know why it was there but the pants are gone. I love you so much Derwood, honey but these. are. Gone.
Sunday afternoon Annie and I loaded up the car. I was going to take this stuff to Goodwill but Derwood is a Goodwill shopping junkie and I didn’t want him buying his “timeless” ass-flap-chaps clothes back. I had a good idea….Annie and I took two Hefty bags of clothes and two armloads of coats and sweaters and sweatshirts to the Portland Rescue Mission and the clothes will go directly to homeless men and not back in my house. Winter is coming so if you think of it, instead of dropping stuff off with the Goodwill or Salvation Army, give a homeless shelter a call and see if they need it!
And now, the adventure continues.
Postscript: To make sure I didn’t offend anyone, NO wicker was harmed in the making of this post.