The Blog Days of Summer

Everyone’s talking about nothing because these are the Blog Days of Summer.

What shall I write about?

My job is mindless. It’s nice outside so I’m bitter about being inside. The other day I sat for an extra couple of minutes in my car staring down at my Altoids tin to avoid walking into the building with a co-worker who had just pulled into the parking lot. I then left my keys in the car and the car unlocked which I didn’t discover until I was leaving work for the day. I still have the car… and the keys, with me, in my purse.

Yesterday I followed a WordPress blog called The Daily Post, which I guess is supposed to give you writing ideas. Today’s was about parenting blogs. Meh. I’m not going to write one but if you want to read a good one, read this. I have just recently followed Just Begin From Here. She’s a good writer and this is a very touching piece for anyone who’s ever loved a newborn baby.

Sssssooooo, what to write… hmmm…. Hey! Why not work on the media package you want to put together regarding the programs at Juvie? Nah, that’s not funny.

Check my email.

Without having to look very far or even in my spam folder, I found emails with these subject lines:

From Groupon: 54% off toothbrush sanitizer + anti-aging serum, jeggings and more! How do all those things go together? What is toothbrush sanitizer and why would it go with the anti-aging serum? And if you’re aging, you have no business wearing jeggings. Even if you’re younging, you have no business wearing jeggings.

From Groupon: Silk facial peels. I don’t know what this means. No, I didn’t read the offer! My time is valuable, I can’t be reading entire paragraphs on Silk Facial Peels! Sheesh, get off me!

These I did find in my Gmail Spam Folder. I don’t ever use the Gmail account. I opened it when we moved and my Comcast email wasn’t working. That was 7 years ago but I still have this address. No one I know uses it.

Important Gmails I have received:

  • Know your score instantly. click here to get your Free* Credit Score Now! I think that little asterisk means it’s free for those who give them some money.
  • Protect against bed bugs. OK. Gawd I hope I don’t have bed bugs. I know Bed Bugs are no laughing matter but really spam about Bed Bugs?
  • Find Sincere Jewish singles in your area! I get a variety of dating emails. I’m glad they are hooking me up with Sincere Jews, I can’t stand those Jewish singles who are just full of shit.
  • Help Counsel Suffering Addicts. Oh yeah, this is just what Suffering Addicts need. Some counseling time with Maggie and her box of wine and Marlboro Lights. “You know, you might need to relax, you appear to be suffering, do you wanna drink?”
  • Got a Skintag or Mole and needit gone? Hell yeah, I needit gone! (that is not a typo, apparently when you have a skintag or mole you needit gone!) And where better to find someone to cut something off your body than the internet?
  • Find local Asian Singles. See Free profiles and photos. OK. Thank you.
  • Receive gift with AARP membership. I’m signing up, who cares if I’m only 47, I want the gift. Which is probably going to be a case of Ensure.
  • Earn a $100 Taco Bell gift card! This one kind of bummed me out because I have to EARN the $100 Taco Bell gift card. I want to WIN a $100 Taco Bell gift card and then I want to WIN a year’s supply of Imodium which will deal with my Irritable Bell Syndrome.
  • Customer Service Announcement regarding American Stationery’s new website. It’s coming soon. This one wasn’t spam and yes, I’ll let you know.
  • And from the Best Sex Ever— More Women Just For You! I have no idea what I have done that has led Gmail to believe that I’m a Jewish, Asian, Man or Lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I just don’t feel like it’s my demographic.

That’s it. Clearly I’m going to have to do some serious assing out soon or I will have to shut down this blog. Any ideas? anyone? Bueller?


30 thoughts on “The Blog Days of Summer

  1. Maggie, I’m right there with you. There’s some kind of funky komadea going ’round. At least, you lent some brevity to it — HILARIOUS brevity btw. I tried that and I think it turned out to be just whiny. Or whinier. Is whinier a word? Don’t shut your blog down. Have you considered stand-up comedy? I’m just sayin. :D. (Big smiley face because obviously my writing doesn’t translate to funny or witty without them). Jeez.

  2. We should just combine all of our blogs into one and call it the Daily Meh.

    Your Gmail spam is way more interesting than mine. I get the occasional Nigerian scam email addressed to “Hello Dearest” and sometimes I get offers to “Fuck college girls RIGHT NOW” (how do they propose I do that without some sort of instantaneous transporter?). But that’s about it lately. A lot of jibberish.

  3. I don’t think you should quit blogging. You’re hilarious. Case in point your recent blog about the Kardashs. Maybe you me and La La should do porn reviews together.

    Three Chicks on Porn. LOL

  4. I have loads of ideas to write about, I just can’t write funny like you. I’m better in person. Not that I have a face for tv or anything. Or a body. Or that I’m that funny, it’s just in person you can see the eye rolling, and in the writing universe, if I were I writer, I would presume everyone was constantly eye rolling and thinking I was not funny, and then I would either try to be even more funny, or better for all, shut down entirely and post pics of me sucking my thumb in the fetal position. But in person, you can tell when folks are wondering why the fuck you wore that outfit when clearly you’re nearing 47 years old and have no business in a maxi dress with no bra on underneath. That’s one thing to write about. Or maybe two? Also, if, like me, you have the benefit of having gone through hard labor to produce not one, but TWO children on the autism spectrum, you can go off in all kinds of directions and be certain of upsetting half of your audience. There’s also Neil Diamond. I find you could write about Neil Diamond and never run out of material. Is that helpful? Because 30 years ago he was a Fox and a half. If not, tonight when I SEE YOUR FACE IN REAL LIFE, we can jam on some ideas that may actually be worth sharing. Until then, I have some dates to stuff with blue cheese and wrap up like a pretty present with bacon.

    • You write funny one day. I will hold the bacon wrapped cheese stuffed dates for you tonight while you tell me what to write. I’m not going to eat them all! Just let me hold them! God!

  5. You’re blogs always, always make me laugh! (And the ones that don’t make me laugh make me awe, ahh, or think) So for what it’s worth, I think you can continue to blog about nothing and I will still find it entertaining!

  6. I wrote a post about the death of Martha Jefferson and then followed that gem up with a post about the months of the year…so yeah. There’s a lot of people in the same boat.
    Too bad there wasn’t an email that said, “Bog ideas! You needit bad!”

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