I Kept Up with the Kardashians!

I know it seemed like I didn’t have anything to write about yesterday but I had forgotten something very important that happened over the weekend.

I watched “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” for the first time.

Saturday morning my pal, Lisa, took her daughter to see the University of Washington campus while the rest of the kids slept. I decided to indulge myself and watch some TV. I propped myself up on the big king hotel bed, grabbed the remote and started surfing.

Aside: I think it’s kind of bullshit that the hotel rigged the TVs so they couldn’t go above a certain volume and it wasn’t adequate volume at all. The Fairfield Inn people should not be the boss of me and my hearing.

There was nothing on the three HBO channels. Not gonna watch news. Don’t care for any of the five ESPN channels nor do I speak Spanish for the two Spanish channels. But, but —  wait ….what is on E! Entertainment Television?! Oh hoh!!! It’s the  Kardashians!

I watched “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and now I know why they are so famous and all over the tabloids because the show is vapid and audiences are mesmerized by the vapidity. I was.

Vapid means:

Offering nothing that is stimulating or challenging.

Yes! This show is Vapid! A synonym for Vapid is Insipid. Yes! This show and its cast of Kardashians is Insipid!

I watched two or three episodes in a row; mouth agape, squinting at the television while muttering to myself, “what the hell?”

Do you watch the Kardashians?

The now-deceased patriarch of the K crew is Robert Kardashian. Mr. Kardashian was one of OJ’s attorneys so you know he was a little off in the head still I can’t help but think he is spinning in his grave or urn or wherever, knowing what his ex-wife and children are up to.

Kris Jenner is the mom of this crowd of modern day Gabor sisters.

The Gabor sisters: when being famous for no reason at least looked swelegant.

Kris, along with just about every other female on this show, wears impressively thick black false eyelashes and has the mental/emotional make up of a 13-year-old (my apologies to 13-year-olds everywhere). She whines and meddles in her adult daughters’ lives. Is it for the show? Was she always like that and the show just captures it? I don’t know.

Hi, I’m 57 and I haven’t had a stitch of work done!

Bruce Jenner is married to Kris. I am not even going to pile on about what Bruce has done to his face. He hasn’t hit it as hard as Kenny Rogers but it ain’t right. But! You know what? He seems like a nice, goofy dad. Sure he always looks surprised but he seems like a nice guy, can’t imagine what in the hell he is doing with this crowd but I don’t feel like researching that.

The adult daughters are as follows (in no particular Kardashian order):

Kim, Kourtney and Khloe.

Kim, we all know, is the one who divorced the basketball guy after they were married for an hour and a half. She is perhaps the most ridiculous of all the Kariculous folks on here. She is strangely, Paris-Hiltonly self-absorbed. (Another aside: Paris has been awfully quiet for awhile. Thank you Paris!) Kim, who may be a fairly cute girl, wears the crazy-ass false eyelashes, sterility-inducing tight pants and pushes her rather veiny boobs out for everyone’s viewing. Even her sister comments on how big they are, constant boobalanches are distracting. I know that much is true.

I wasn’t sure if you had noticed that I have breasts.

Kourtney is the pregnant one. She has a little boy and she seems to be kind of a tough customer, not just a whiny pain in the arse like Kim. Unfortunately Kourtney is boyfriend-girlfriend with Scott, the baby daddy. Scott is a LOOOOOOO ser!!!! Look at Scott’s shirt:

Why is the shirt unbuttoned like that?

Again, why is the…well, why??? Scott! Stop it!

Scott may be devilishly handsome, although it looked like he had a kind of wacky right eye, but he is an ASShole. Kourtney pull your head out and dump this guy, you’re a Kardashian for God’s sake. From the extensive research I have done on this guy, including reading the eight sentences on his Wikipedia page, he’s just some good looking guy who is now famous for dating one and fathering two Kardashian offspring.

Khloe is the one that people think is not Robert Kardashian’s kid and I can see how there may be a question there.

Let’s play “One of these things is not like the others”

You know how else you can tell there may be a different stream of DNA in Khloe? She appears to be the most mature person in the family and isn’t particularly self-indulgent. She appears (I don’t know and it is a silly tv show) but she APPEARS to love her husband (NBA player Lamar Odom) and is trying to have a successful marriage. One episode I watched had Kim and Kourtney and their eyelashes bitching that all Khloe wanted to do was take care of her husband and her house and not go to NYC with them for the opening of Loser Scott’s restaurant. Khloe is clearly screwed up when she is prioritizing her husband and marriage over the Kardashians.

There is also a brother Kardashian, Rob. I kid you not, in one of the episodes, Rob was pissy because Scott’s restaurant was opening (supposedly) and Scott was getting a business going before Rob. And…. AND… Rob has been “working really hard on his sock line.” Yep, he has been slaving over his Rob Kardashian Sock Line and out of nowhere, coming up on the rail is Loser Scott, trumping Rob and opening a restaurant before Rob’s Sock’s hit the catwalk! Rob is also annoyed at his mother for pointing out that he missed the deadline for the fall sock collection and will have to wait to premier his designs in December.

I’m not kidding. Sock Line.

I’m Rob and it’s Just Socks. Nothing else. Just Socks.

Don’t get hooked on the show but do watch one or two, it is fascinating how foolish these people are. Although not as foolish as those who are keeping them on the air.

I have Kept up with the Kardashians but now they will have to go it alone.



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37 thoughts on “I Kept Up with the Kardashians!

  1. cheese and butter sister says:

    you should take some anti-biotics

  2. Lessons Learned From a Dog says:

    You totally nailed it. Hahaha. I just peed myself laughing. Excellent post.

  3. La La says:

    Hilarious. I have never watched that show, but every time I see Khloe I wonder what part of the Amazon those types of gals come from and why we don’t make an army out of them.

  4. How do you feel now? You seem to be okay—you still write well, your thought processes seem to be intact. That’s a relief. I’ve never watched the show because I’m afraid too many brain cells would be irrevocably damaged.

  5. Fish Out of Water says:

    “He hasn’t hit it as hard as Kenny Rogers but it ain’t right.” Dy-ing!!!! The best line ever!

  6. Margarita says:

    Maggie, you must have the intestinal fortitude of an ox! I can’t make it past the title! xoM

  7. Anonymous says:

    The tabloids, etc. always portray Khloe as being freaklishly huge but she and Rob ate in the restaurant one day and she is about 5’5″ and just wears enormous heels. Her head is also a normal size and ps she was very nice and normal to everyone. So, therefore my extensive scientific research clearly proves that the other two are just freaklishly small…you’re welcome…

    • Maggie O'C says:

      I don’t think she is freakishly large, but she has a completely different build than either of her sisters who resemble each other. My sisters and I don’t look exactly alike but you can tell we have the same parents. Khloe seems to be the most normal and likeable one of the bunch. I don’t think I mentioned her head.

      What restaurant? Loser Scott’s restaurant?

  8. acflory says:

    We get Kardashians on the covers of women’s magazines here. As far as I know we don’t get them on tv [thank all heavenly beings everywhere]. Then again we do have something similar featuring our own blonde dimbo, Laura Bingle. Commerical tv is really, really…..hell I can’t even think of a word bad enough. 😦

  9. clownonfire says:

    Fortunately, the Kardashians rarely make it this side of the borders…
    Unfortunately, we get Justin Bieber. But I guess a bad hair cut is not as bad as a bad case of over-inflated egos… times 5…
    Le Clown

    • Maggie O'C says:

      I can go pick up the K’s and drive them up there too. By the way, Obama was in Portland yesterday. Did I not tell you to keep an eye on him? How did he get back down here?!

      • clownonfire says:

        Canada is too great of a country for Obama to do more good. He’s better off helping you Americans.
        Le Clown

  10. Brigitte says:

    Maggie, this is so good and so hilarious. I’ve never watched this show. I think I tried once and I just couldn’t do it. I even tried watching that Snooki one and I’m stunned at what people call entertainment. I understand the curiosity, but walk, no run away before it’s too late. GREAT POST!!!!

    • Maggie O'C says:

      OK. I bow to your intestinal fortitude Brig b/c Snooki!? really?! I saw her on something on E! being interviewed by that little tiny woman who had breast cancer. How do you interview Snooki? Seriously, what is there to ask and who cares?!


  11. Addie says:

    I want to be you when I grow up.

  12. I admit *sigh* that I watch the Kardashian horde on tv. I love your comments about them. Hilarious! “boobalanches” LOL

  13. travellingmo says:

    You make everything hilarious! I have never watched that show in my life and now you’ve given me more reasons not too. I did have a friend who strangely got hooked on it when she was in the hospital recovering from surgery, but if I was in that position, I’d admit vapidity would be relaxing.

    • Maggie O'C says:

      Thank you so much! I’ll get your check in the mail this weekend. You are good for my ego!!! The Ks are good for when you have absollutely nothing more useful or reasonable to do or you are tied to a chair by a kidnapper.

  14. Thank you for explaining the Kardashians. Every time I go slumming in a cheap UK newspaper there’s a story abut this strange woman , but I realise from reading your informative and factual account of the show that I’ve been reading about three or four women.Actually, not reading about them, dodging them, flicking over them, trying to ignore their existence. I could tell at a glance what they’d be up to, and “Frankly ,my dear, I don’t give a damn..”

    • Maggie O'C says:

      Thank you Rhett! and thank you for reading my blog and sending me over my most views of the day!

      I’m happy to report that I have never watched that show again. Save it for down times in hotels 🙂

  15. Noooo! My life would just not have been the same without the Kardashians! It is almost a sin to have let their reality TV pass you by for so long! In fact, they come a close second to my all time favourite – Toddlers ‘n Tiara’s. You cannot make this stuff up. I am seriously considering hiring a camera crew to follow me around all day, so that I, too, can become extremely famous for doing f#$% all. C’mon, people, I am prepared to do it for a 10th of their fee, plus, of course, a life time of waxing, in all the neccessary spots. These girls keep packs of beauty houses in business, with all the prepping and fanfare that is needed for each episode that is aired on prime time TV.

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