I Am Too Bitter

to write anything today.

I’m fat.

I have a zit right on the tip of my nose surrounded by zits on either side. Don’t say you can’t see anything. Of course, you can! There is a beacon on the end of my nose! Don’t patronize me, you can see them.

Ohmahgawd, I’m so fucking hot. Just open the door. I’m sweating. Fine, I’ll go home at lunch and change my sweater. I would hate to have anyone fucking freeze on my account.

Yes, I will drive you to the mall. Oh jeeeze, could you shut up for 5 seconds?! I don’t know who you’re talking about. I know you love him but you’re not getting married at 15. Fine, have fun.

Honda! Do you hear me? Fucking drive! Don’t make me get out of my car and wrap your steering wheel around your head you asshat, just GO!

My hair looks like shit. I don’t have any money for a cut and color right now. You think it looks good long? You’re lying. What did I say about patronizing me?

Everything is fine! Why are you looking at me like that? Jesus, can I just eat lunch in peace?!

I’m not crying. Fine, what if I am crying? Can’t people cry? Some people cry when their Outlook doesn’t work, okay?

Is there chocolate in it? Yeah, I’ll have some. What? it wasn’t that big of a piece so I’m having two. Fuck, I know. I’m FAT. You think I’m fat. Yes, you do. I think it’s best if you just don’t say anything at all, okay?

I don’t know what the hell is for dinner. Maybe I won’t eat dinner because I’m so FAT. You know what? Just make your own, eat whatever you want because you’re not FAT like me!

Yes, I’m laughing. Well forgive me but I thought it was funny. I’m sure he’s fine but did you see that? He thought the door was open. Oh a bloody nose won’t kill anyone. Shoot me, I thought it was funny. Yes, I’m the asshole.

I’m just going to go to bed. I know it’s not dark yet. That doesn’t mean I can’t fucking go to bed. Yes, I’m sure everyone will be much happier without me around. I know I’m not dying, I’m simply saying for the evening, everyone will be happy without me.

I can tell you’re mad at me. Why are you shaking your head like that? Fuck. I do love you, I’m just not feeling well. Then why did you do that if you didn’t want me to cry?

No it won’t be better tomorrow. I’ll still be fat, ugly and stupid.

Good night!

73 thoughts on “I Am Too Bitter

      1. clownonfire

        I’m sorry you’re having a shit day. But you were inspired, girl!
        I wish you lots of Ryan Gosling dreams.
        Le Clown

          1. clownonfire

            These pics were taken last summer. LEP is much older and she’s learned to fly since then. Mosquitoes don’t dare biting her anymore, either. AS for her arm… as if nothing ever happened… Bugger. Pun intended.
            Thanks for asking, awesome blogger.
            Le Clown

      1. Andrew

        Plus no matter how many zits you have, you’ll always know that you’re a million times better looking than Angus will ever be.

          1. Andrew

            We could have a boxed wine off. Except sometimes I get impatient though and just stick a straw in the bag. So I’ll probably win. Not bragging, just preparing you.

          2. I don’t believe in boxed wine. I need to be able to see how much I’ve consumed. After two bottles, I generally think I should stop and there are 4 bottles in a box and I would drink the whole box. That ain’t right.

          3. Andrew

            Yeah, like I said just drink out of the bag. It’s clear. Plus you look even classier drink out of a clear plastic sack.

    1. I can take that from a woman but if Derwood tried to get all cheery with me, he’d be a dead man. Actually he tried this morning and realized silence was his best choice!

  1. unfetteredbs

    laughing my ass off at this post… must be something in the air today. Full moon? I feel the same fecking way… my post was no where near as funny as yours but the feeling is very mutual! Rock on…

  2. You’re not bitter, honey, you’re just a little tart. 😉

    Meanwhile I laughed my ass off while reading this—I’ve had this exact day many times!! Well except for the kids part since I don’t have kids.

    There have also been times when instead of calling in sick, I’ve wanted to call in fat.

  3. Mrs. P

    Honest to God true story…today I took a nap because I was bitter and frustrated and I had a dream where all I did was chase a freaking ice-cream truck.

  4. Someone gave me a card this weekend after I had a melt down. It reads, “I’m sorry, I please just need you to shut up for one minute.”

    I framed it and hung it on the wall.

  5. Simon

    I feel as though I should tread lightly in the comments section but will say that I laughed my ass off. Also I am down for the box wine drink off. Loved this Maggie

    1. I just ate a vat of macaroni salad for dinner, I’m now going to make popcorn and watch The Killing and pray I get to bed without killing someone. And if you’ve seen the last episode don’t tell me who did it!!!

      I should go sit in a bathtub of wine.

    1. If I had seen this yesterday I would have screamed, “I don’t like tea!!!”
      This morning, “Thank you so much for thinking of me.”
      I’m fairly human again!

      1. -hugs- welcome back Maggie 🙂 Now that I’m not likely to get my head bitten off I have to say that I laughed myself silly over your post yesterday 😀

  6. Karen

    You are so funny. I feel like this – well, a lot! I just know we’d be best frieds if we ever met. LOVE YOUR BLOG!

  7. Okay, what were you saying about not being able to write dialogue?? I realize that’s a monologue of sorts, but still, fill in the missing person in each scene and you have some damn funny material. Every woman in the audience would be hysterical because we’ve ALL had those days/weeks and months. What you just wrote is the tape that plays in my head 24/7. I live in a hot world of fat, pimples and foul moods.

    I realize you’re already feeling pissy so I’ll just add this to the pot – by the time you reach 50 you will look back on this day fondly. Nuff said. 😉

  8. Sooo funny. THIS post encompasses how I feel during those special moody times. Maybe I’ll just bookmark this and send it to people when they are wondering why I’m not feeling or acting like “myself.” Thanks for the laugh, sorry it was at your expense. 😉

  9. Nic

    I mean, like, I knew we had a lot in common but I had no idea until I read this post that we are the SAME PERSON. Except I have no PMS to blame my emotional instability on. But still.

  10. Is PMS a real thing? I always thought it was something you girls made up so you could be mad at us and have something to blame. Yep, PMS is really Planned Mad Syndrome. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! HF

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