Have You Heard the One About

the Dieting Woman who goes shopping with her hormonal teenage daughter in preparation for Dieting Woman’s upcoming super fun trip to San Francisco? You don’t want to hear it. I went into the shopping trip expecting to get teary while trying on clothes. As it turned out I really felt like crying in sheer frustration from dealing with aforementioned 14-year-old, aka Annie.

Q: What is worse than shopping with a hormonal 14-year-old?

A: Nuclear Armageddon.

Q: What is better than shopping with a hormonal 14-year-old?

A: Most everything, including stabbing yourself in the eye with rusty scissors.

I knew immediately she was in a mood and I get that. I was 14 once, a really long time ago and I drove my mother insane. I gave Annie the option of staying home, she didn’t have to come but she wanted to. “No, it’s fine, I want to go shopping.”

Driving to the mall, I take her cell phone because I think it’s rude to sit in a car with another person and do nothing but text someone else, someone you probably just spent the day with at school. Phone removal greeted with tortured sigh and shaking head.

Arrive at mall:

  • “Are we going to eat dinner here?” No, as I mentioned, we are here to shop and I don’t have a lot of time.
  • “My throat really hurts.”  In Annie’s defense, there is a good chance she is getting sick.

Annie is a very good Sherpa and followed me around carrying the clothes I wanted to try on. She is also keen to point out very cute clothes, many with horizontal stripes, that would make me look like a brightly colored sausage or like I was almost to term with my third child. I mention to her that those clothes might not be that flattering for me. Tall, shapely, pretty Annie says, “oh I know, I just think it’s really cute.” (For someone shaped exactly like Annie.)

I don’t know why but Annie wants to join me in the dressing room. Macy’s is a complete bust because of my giant bust and the side of fat.  I throw all the clothes that don’t fit me and are marked size L ( which is all of them) on the bench in the dressing room and stomp off.  I know I have been losing weight (Remember today is Weigh In Wednesday!). I visualized this meager but motivating weight loss resulting in my suddenly being shaped a lot like Keira Knightley. And I could wear cute jeans and a little sweater like she did in “Love Actually”. I’ve been dieting for a month! Helloooo, I’m now supposed to be a ridiculously thin, 25-year-old British woman.

Me After Just One Month Dieting

I leave Macy’s in a snit (I don’t know where Annie gets her attitude) and head for the Gap because I have a Gap card.  I find a bunch of stuff to try on there including this hot pink trench coat that does NOT look good on a 5’3” Dieting Woman.

Hot Pink Coat for Tall Thin People by The Gap
I also tried on this shirt in a medium.
Maggie is Not Pictured Above
I don’t know why I thought I was going to fit in a medium. The XL looked huge but a medium?  Annie is in the dressing room with me and I try on the medium and I am completely bunged (that’s “bunged” with a soft g) up in it. Annie says, “Don’t turn around!” Too late!  I turn to look in the mirror and the shirt is so tight it has shmooshed my boobs down and they almost look boxy, I’ve never seen anything like it. Ick, no good. I take the shirt off. Oh wait, no I don’t because once I get it pulled up over my boobs, it stops. It’s stuck under my arms and around my shoulders. I tell Annie to pull it off me but she can’t, she keeps telling me to straighten up  my arms but I can’t get them all the way straight because my shoulders are constrained by the medium size shirt. I start to panic a little. I sit down on the little dressing room ledge seat and Annie tries again and again. I fear we are going to have to cut the medium shirt off me.  One more time and we get it off! I buy some black shirts which are perfect for Dieting Woman. And we leave.

Cruise through Macy’s on weigh, I mean “way” (paging Dr. Freud)  to the parking lot and I get these cute boots.

Not much news but I needed to preface Weigh In Wednesday with something. Drum roll please…

I lost 2.5 lbs last week! Woo HOOOO!! I lost 5.5 pounds in January. Which explains my uncanny resemblance to Keira Knightley.

Next up: Dieting Woman and Friends take San Francisco!!!

11 thoughts on “Have You Heard the One About

  1. Amy

    Yay for you! I’m only down 4.5 and I think that’s because I went to bed early last night so didn’t eat anything after 6pm. AHH, perhaps that’s a clue. I too was at Macy’s and had much the same experience, sans the 14 year old girl. Although I may have acted like one.

    Question: Have you stopped drinking wine entirely, drink only on weekends, or only drink and don’t eat. I need to know and may not like the answer, especially if it’s the first option.

    Can’t wait to hear more about the trip! Have a great time.

  2. Have I stopped drinking wine entirely? What? I don’t understand what you’re asking. NO I haven’t stopped drinking wine entirely! I’m still me even if I’m a 5.5 pound lighter shadow of my former self. I drank a bottle of wine last night, duh. The key is that this morning I did NOT have the egg sammich. I had a banana and a piece of whole grain toast with a teaspoon of I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter Lite. I’m going to write a blog about the merits of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Lite.

  3. Pingback: Tuck and Roll « Someone Fat Happened

  4. unfetteredbs

    I am so glad you reposted this.. awesome. What the hell were you thinking letting her come in the changing room? This is laugh out loud funny…been there done that(except the changing room)
    as a mother of two teenage girls…you nailed it!
    PS… good job on the lbs

  5. Doesn’t every woman have several sizes of clothes in her closet? Not sure why every store doesn’t have rose-colored lighting. Congrats on the lbs. Wish I could do that! Great, funny post, M. :).

  6. Nice work with the weight! I am 5’3 and busty as well and will be on a diet for the remaining days of my life. I lost 40 lbs. I feel ya. I buy black because “it’s classy and classic and that is what I am going for” aka it makes me look smaller.

    Keep on keeping on. You have inspired me to go for a run.

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