My mother used to tell a story about going to Mass when I was a baby. My parents didn’t want to deal with a baby at church so they took turns. My dad would go to mass, come home and my mother would go to the next one. One Sunday she returned from church and could hear my baby screams coming from the apartment. She ran inside and upstairs and was confronted with my father holding me upside down by one foot and swatting at my bottom with a wash cloth because he didn’t know how to change a dirty diaper. My mother took over and I have lived to see 48.
I think we all have stories of goofy things dads do because God bless them, they just don’t know what they’re doing or do it very differently from the way mothers would do it. Doing what? Doing anything. They are doing it differently and that probably means they are doing it wrong.
When my daughter, Annie, was a baby her dad told me not to worry that he would get up with her in the middle of the night so I could sleep. And he did. Even though he got up with her, I could still hear her crying on the baby monitor. Annie was an easy baby so once you changed and fed her, she was good to go. Finally I went into her room and asked what was going on. Mitch said, “I don’t know what’s wrong, she just won’t stop crying.” Did you feed her? “No.” Did you change her diaper? “No.” Well, those things need to happen, what did you think I was doing with her every night, playing cards?
My sister recently went out of town with a bunch of ladies and she shared the transcript of a voice mail that one of the women received from her husband. This may be one of my most favorite dad stories ever. Here is the phone message from the father of Claire the toddler:
“It’s like 6:36AM, you just left like 10 minutes ago and I have a couple questions about lunch. Do I make her a sandwich, like a legit sandwich just like I’d make it for me and just send it that way? With turkey, cheese and I just put honey mustard on with a knife? And the peas and carrots, do I have to like heat up peas and carrots in the microwave and shit like that? I have no idea how to get these peas and carrots together. Um, so just give me a call back so you can let me know how this all works.”
Also, when she got back she opened up his laptop and the internet browser was still pulled up. It was ask.com and he had typed “how to cook broccoli”
“I just put honey mustard on with a knife?” Nope, if you’re making an illegitimate children’s sandwich, you put yellow mustard on with your finger.
Dads, I’m just teasing you. We love you guys but seriously???